stalked...

[anirbas]

each day...
night...hour...
minute...second...

never leaving a door
or window ajar or unlocked...
tensing when the telephone rings...

freezing in mid-action or sentence when a knock
sounds at the door...ever aware in public of your surroundings
and whom with what in hand, might be coming at you...

shellshocked...under besiegement...beseechingly...
wait...wait...waiting for that miraculous,
"this to shall pass" moment, to just blessed be...

stoically manning the trenches, in the meantime...
faithful the gods and the universe
help and protect those, whom help themselves...

but, mottos and creedos, like speedos
aren't much defense if that's all you're wearing
when the reality of all hell breaking loose is imminent...

where you, or someone near and dear is the target
of the moment...the favored whipping post...
just another day in the life of the stalked...

[dawness]

dear me... no matter how the shadow walks behind us, "this too shall pass." you got me there, sabs! next ?

[anirbas]

...i need the shadow to pass...i'm tired, Dawn...real tired...you and Sammy and David
keep my spirits up but i'm so dratted tired of this entire mess...this to shall pass...
all's well that ends well...sentences i cling to like a drowning rat hanging onto the broken spar of a long sunken ship...that and the serenity prayer...i need the shadow to pass...
tired of being in fight or flight mode...just tired...can't even write anymore i'm so stressed
or tired...just want to come unglued and let the rage go in a clean burn of vitriol...
ah, well, all's well that ends well...all's well that ends well...all's well that ends well...
and for the moment, nothing i can do, but let Calgon take me away in an ocean
of bubbles...and fight like the hell bred bitch that i am when and as the next moment
calls for it...la-dee-dah and all that double talk...ggglgggl...catch ya around
the metaphorical poetical bend, darlin'! Sabrina

[DavidMc]

[soulfir3]

Sabs, while I don't know your situation, I do know the fatigue and desperate-ness a person feels when being stalked. I get shivers when I think of the presence my ex would have, appearing without sound in the middle of my lounge room.. and more than once to turn over half asleep and find him staring down at me, from the door of my bedroom.
I got into a habit where I would pace the house relentlessly, double checking doors and windows.. never allowing the bedroom windows to be opened, for fear he would arrive un-announced and climb up on the hand rail of the front stairs and look into my room.. checking to see where i was.. if any-one else dared to be with me.
I hope, that this situation passes for you.. soon. I am thinking of you, sending you all my love and prayer.

xx Soul

[anirbas]

misery loves company...and ah, yes...i can see you know what being stalked is...so sad,
it is mostly our species, females, that know what that feeling feels like...never have understood the male desire to stalk another, for whatever reason...

i have been stalked by an extremely abusive, ex-husband, as you, at one point in time...
out of possessiveness, obsession and the desire to continue to control one...

have even been stalked by fellow male employees or customers, depending on the job i was
employed at years back, because these lunical lugnuts were "sexually attracted" to me...

the oddest, scariest, and most spirit wrenching stalking of all, this recent one...sort of a stalking within a stalking...and my own grown son, is responsible for it...stalking not only his entire family, mostly me, as he's maddest at me; but also, his ex-lover and the mother of my grandchild, whom both, now live with me...

suffice it to say, there is much more to the story...the story of a life lost and thrown away because of bad choices...a young man, repeatedly given chances and that everyone tried to save himself from himself...all in vain and to no avail...he was determined to derail himself with rotten actions, hard drugs and societally punishable crimes, as an indirect result of being hopped up on a lethal cocktail of bad juju...the hard stuff...crack, ice, x, crank, heroin, adhd meds, prescription meds he'd palmed or pilfered from others...all mixed together on any given day of the week...well, long story short...once he turned seventeen, which in the eyes of the state I live in...hardcore Texas...LOL...he committed crimes under the influence of all that crap that his mother couldn't save him from...he's been in and out of jail, twice, since he turned seventeen, for a year, or so, each vacation session...cryptic laughter...

now, he's out again...angry, I will not allow him to live here, as I have an eleven year old child of my own, here...angry, when his ex-girlfriend was kicked out of her mother's house for seeing him, rather than let my grandson, be on the streets, I gave her refuge in my house...because of my grandson, duh...angry, she broke up with him, after their last physical arguement and altercation...angry enough to threaten us all, physically, verbally, mentally and emotionally...and has, several times in the past three months since he got out of jail, this time...Twice, since then, I have had to call the police on my own child...The last time, I had a no trespassing order placed against him, when he came to my home, and tried to force his way into the backdoor...He's a very angry, out of control human being at this point in his life...
And caught in the downward spiral he put himself on, not me, not his family, not his ex-girlfriend or his own child...

I have learned in the past three months, anyone can become your stalker...
Even you own child...He's very scary at this point in his life...Volatile, violent,
and vindictive, come to mind...And he's not one to easily let go of something he wants
or wants to make someone do for him...AT this point in time...He wants to make her take him back...And he wants to force me, to let him stay here...I cannot and wouldn't after the past three months of dealing with him and his issues, even without him living in this house...

I cannot because of his charges either...I have an eleven year old I'm still raising in this house...And her life would totally be effected in a negative manner, if he lived here...
As this address would then be put into a public data base, easily accessed,
as part of his probationary rules...I can't do that to her...For instance, no one in their
right mind would allow their daughter to spend the night with my daughter, if they found my address in the computer data base...Much less, have her, my daughter,
vulnerable to his temper tantrums and vitriolic rages...Her own brother...

The last time he showed up here, unexpectedly, the circumstance got physical,
between he and I...Not badly so...I didn't get hurt...But, that is why I got the
No Trespassing Order, when the police arrived...

WEll, there you sort of have it, in a nutshell...A skeleton of a story, with so much of the flesh left out and so many hints of much worse to know and be told...

Sometimes, my reality bleeds over into my poeming and pieces like stalked...
and The Cross come trickling or flashflooding out of me...I try to stay out of the darkness
in my head these days...Nightmares I have in my sleep, don't much bother me...It's the living nightmares, the walking dead, that surround us, on any given day of the week, that concern me...ggglgggl...People who can go off at any minute, go postal, and do...Anywhere...

Well, it's three a.m.-ish in Nirland, S'fir...Had a late catnap earlier, that had my mind ginning, but now, it's rambled itself out, in three posts...ggglgggl...That's how many posts I think I've hit and didn't write a single poem...LOL...sometimes, it be's that away...

being stalked and stalkers suck...i'd like to stalk my stalker...scare the crap out of him...
over and over and over and over and over and over...and if he succeeds in doing something really stupid to me...i pray i haunt him relentlessly the rest of his living days...especially,
if the stalker that takes me out, is my own flesh and blood...my own son...

i'm not being dramatic...he's very scary these days...dangerous to himself and all about him...
we all pray he goes back to jail or meets a crack-ho he can't live without so he can get on with his life...so, we can get on with living ours...my daughter, my grandbaby and his mommy and me...lookat me, wandering again...S'fir! tell me goodnight, Nir! ggglgggl...

[anirbas]

and David...



right backatcha, darlin'...

[soulfir3]

I've read and re-read your reply to my answer too your poems, Sabs and honestly I don't know what to say. In the last 12 months, I have felt that my already too small a world, got depressingly smaller as the obsessive habits of my ex-husband and my son's father ( two seperate beings. thankful for small mercies ). became more and more restricting, where upon I was forced to take legal action too keep both of them at bay, which brought only condescending comments and backlash from both sets of ex-inlaws. I am trying to do the right thing and have never stopped either father from seeing their respective children, but when I could no longer even have friends around for a cup of tea, or simply be out of the house too attend to my own life without being hunted down and followed around town, when my own son told me point blank that not only does he not want to go to his father's place, but that he is also quite scared of him, then I will take what abuse is hurled my way simply because my children are everything to me, they are all I have left and I'll certainly not put them into a situation they don't wish to be in.

Over the previous 8 months, I have had rape charges laid and restraining orders put into place, against both parties and it is a " time will tell" scenario now. Already there has been infractions on the behalf of one, but with Australian law being as screwy as it is, all that happens is a fine, slap on the wrist and " naughty boy, don't do it again" - unless of course it becomes life threatening ( which in my experiences, usually means someone ends up dead ) and THEN they will take some sort of positive action to make sure that the orders aren't broken again.

As for being dramatic, I know all about drama and I have to say that I wish someone would re-write my script because it appears to be stuck on repeat and I'm tiring quickly of it.
Rest well and enjoy your weekend xx Soul

[anirbas]

For what it's worth, S'fir, I support your efforts to protect yourself and your children.
It doesn't matter if those whom don't know the entire story, or simply do not grasp
how imperative it is for you to put distance and time between yourself and toxic people is...

Some think my situation odd...I have a No Trespassing Order against my son, but his baby and his baby's mommy live here...My own mother told me, she wouldn't judge me for what I'm doing...Judge me? Judge me for what? Protecting my own child, his child, and the rest of us from his violent, senseless whims and will? Those who know the story in it's entirety
know what I'm up against...That I'm in over my head...And doing the best I can to keep not only my own head above water, but everybody else's, too...He doesn't get, that order, is good for him, right now...He would regret doing us harm if he only thought about it...Key word there is thought...He isn't thinking right now...And after the past three years of trashing his life atrociously, I'm not sure, he'll ever think "right", again...

You're right to stick to your guns where the ex's are concerned...It's not always easy to hold the border lines in place...But, when it all boils down to it...We are individually responsible for saving ourselves...And that is all you are doing...These guys are scrubby scumbags...Being female, it's a possibility and a probability, we'll know at least one or two of those, in our lives...

It is better to be proactive, than inactive, even if it means being both defensive and offensive, in both our cases...As yes, once it becomes life threatening, it's often to late to do anything...
And when one is dealing with individuals such as we are...Whether ex-lovers, husbands, sons or brothers...It's always a possibility and a probability, such things will come to violence at the very least, if not death...

LOL...Make a deal with you...You re-write the script for my life...And I'll re-write the script
for yours...And then we both woke up, huh? *t-he*...May we both blessed be and just blessed get some balance, peace and serenity in our lives, S'fir...Sabrina