to be a poet

[anirbas]

Ya know, Cleveland...What I just realized? There are 31 posts in this thread...But, this thread has been viewed 225 times!!!!! Know what that means? You're being read, ALOT, in this thread! Great work, friend. Wonderful neighbors you've got...NOT! Hang in there! Nir.

[tolteclogic]

thanks Nir,

But the more i think about this last post the
more i realize i can do much better... I feel
an epic coming on... I'll keep you posted ; ; ;

in spirit

[dawness]

to be a poet is a courageous act, a kind sense of giving
a way to disturb the softeness of a wind
to baffle,
injure
prick.
to spurt out the joy and
pull the thread of bliss.
-----

great work here, tl... you touch souls and that in itslef is so noble; thanks a lot!

[tolteclogic]

thanks dawn,

much appreciated

[tolteclogic]

here is something a little off the track


“In substance they are always calm,
like a lake without waves:
in function they act like water
which conforms to it's environment.
Their calmness does not reach
the point of losing mindfulness,
and their activity does not
reach the point of
straying from essence.
There is consistency
about their movement
and stillness adjusted
appropriately according
to events.”

“They use danger to nourish joy,
and use joy to guard against danger.
The situation may be up to others,
but the creation of destiny
is up to oneself.”

“Like the sections of bamboo;
each section has a boundry,
each section has a passage.
This is why discipline
is developmental.”

“Going along with the time,
they deal with everything
unminding, and therefore
can get beyond yin and yang,
not being constrained
by yin and yang.”


The Taoist I Ching


timely and reasonable
auspicious and impeccable
orderly and regulated
adjusted appropriately
according to events
not restricted
to a single pattern
the created universe
cannot bind them

awaiting the newborn
quintessential
at peace with
suchness as is
original creative energy
does not leak away

[tolteclogic]

1977 the year everything changed
public hazing by high level
administration officials
None other than the director
of 'Counceling and Testing'
Dr. Newton himself...
Grown people with PHD's
behaving badly
creating a public spectacle
exhibition exposition
panoply extravaganza
serving you up as the main dish
on that opening day for
summer registration
but you stood your ground
and at the end it was he
who would storm
out of the room
in a furious huff
like a child who
could not get his way...
after all wasn't it I
who was suppose
to turn tail and run
singled out in public...
thus began my life
in higher education
if you could call it that

Newton had called me
into his office
just the day before
to quiz me thoroughly
on what it means
to be 'enlightened'
and for the hundredth time
i reluctantly agreed to
capitulate to this demand
i had unsderstood to late
the true value in silence
seems word had gotten around
the cat was out of the bag
and there was no putting
this genii back in the bottle
all through out this
interrogation ours eyes
would never meet
there was this smuk smirk
simpering for no apparent
reason across his face
in ripples of hidden delight
which was most inappropriate
and disconcerting... looking
away smiling in a
obnoxious manner all to soon
i would discover the reasons why
initially i had come to his office
to increase my reading speed


these are things no one
should ever be exposed to hear
and yet in spite of all the hazing
i did exceed 'lowest' expectations
and went on to win a departmental
scholarship for outstanding achievement
(in art) very much to the chagrin
to my numerous detractors
and though i never spoke of it
again beyond this initial 3 day
virtual inquisition - i was never
allowed to forget the mistake
of speaking out of place

The Agreement

The Policy
of hate
and control
polarize factions
destroy obfuscate
Stop the mystic mind
before it can multiply
what isn't us
must be them
kill all heretics
recognize the danger
don't invite it in
be silent
don't disrupt the apple cart
make waves and
pay the consequence
remain myopic and all is well
don't distrub dead religion
fear is the cause
of all consequence
open the portals of clarity
bless our petty tyrants



Beneath Obstructed

they felt they were justifed
in burning me at the stake
going through the fire
getting to the other side
being celibate all those years
not knowing what this might bring
I had become enlightened
soon to be crucified
beneath obstruction
Carl Jung did say
it is "a moment of deadliest peril!"
"this immortal" capacity
we have within
it is in the voice of sages
silent as thunder
discredit me
rob me of my good name
I can see the image you would create
a lie built upon obstruction


truth is stranger than fiction
status quo the powers that be
better to leave them alone...
invisibility is the art of survival


Epitaph

And any last brave words
In the face of death
It is a good day to die
We have the capacity not
To think about
Those things we find
Fearful like our
Own Mortality
Let alone that of others
Stand up
There is no dress rehearsal
Live fully in the moment
Future and past have no presence


i was a portrait artist
but now i am a poet
tettering on the brink
of oblivion leaping
into the abyss…

one day i will paint again
but for now all that matters
is vindication… living
on a shoe string not knowing
how ends will meet… no
car and no insurance the
price is far to high and
this root canel may have to
wait another year unless it
kills me first… they say
it is nothing to play with
the infection can affect the
heart… but it was worth
the risk working this past
year in complete obscurity
one day this book will be
written and then once again
i can play at being an artist
but for now words are more
important… this knee is
almost completely gone and
the hip isn't much better
all those many years on a
bicycle have taken their
toll i was told 20 years
ago “You ain't no spring
chicken anymore” bicyling
60 miles in 100 degree heat
but my grandmother just
didn't understand that is
all that kept me going
one step ahead of the
grim reaper my many
character assassins had
done their work quite well i
was not intended to survive

please forgive the apparent
redundancy here but some
things bare repeating...

and what about the next
couple of decades how would
one survive under the microscope
of - close - public scrutiny?
taciturn tight-lipped reticent
rigorous nigh near-at-hand
atrium enclosure upon oneself
quadrangle(d) kaput finito
terminus and finished
in termination
conclusive completion
end of story dead...
shut out and shrouded
obscured and obstructed
impossible to see
beyond the image
convened forgathered
and congregated
to muster my demise
choked clogged and congested
in close-fisted penurious
proximity to death

silenced - suppressed

[tolteclogic]

I like coming here to work out my thoughts,
unlike any other site i know, there is a sense
of freedom to express and a shared comradery
that is indeed rare in this world... I only wish that
i had more time to explore all the amazing talent
that is contained here, but for now my back is
up against a wall and I must stay focused on
the changes that are at hand...
thanks a million David I think i speak
for everyone when I say it is a service
well appreciated...
there is so much more still to be said...

in spirit

Cleveland

[DavidMc]

tolteclogic said:

I like coming here to work out my thoughts,
unlike any other site i know, there is a sense
of freedom to express and a shared comradery
that is indeed rare in this world... I only wish that
i had more time to explore all the amazing talent
that is contained here, but for now my back is
up against a wall and I must stay focused on
the changes that are at hand...
thanks a million David I think i speak
for everyone when I say it is a service
well appreciated...
there is so much more still to be said...

in spirit

Cleveland

Cleveland your words mean a lot ... We designed the site so people can express themselves in the way they feel most comfortable.

Regards David.

[tolteclogic]

Funny how the Tao seems to suck the air out of a room…
Takes all the fun out of argument…

Unification of strength and flexibility
resting in supreme good
without evil…
the function of reduction
is extremely fine and subtle
to be effective it changes
according to the time
it is not a matter of fixed rules
if we do not perfect the beginning
how will we complete the end?

“When practice of the Tao is always present,
and the gold elixir crystalizes; going on thereby
to transmute the human mind, there is all - around
benefit. The mind of Tao is the master, the human
mind is the servant. When the mind of Tao is in
charge of things, every step, every undertaking, is
celestial design; personal desires do not arise, and
even the human mind transforms into the mind of Tao:
'getting a servant, there is no house' - all pollution
vanishes, aggregated mundanity is stripped away,
and the elixir is perfected. Leaping out of the cage
of the ordinary, one's life span is myraid years. This
is returning to ultimate good by reduction.”

The Taoist I Ching

Clearly we are far to attached to our personal desires
to consider the truth of it.

[tolteclogic]

forces of nature
the wind blows
howls through
my kitchen window
like thunder through
the trees our earth
is dying - rebirthing
and we are the
disease

[tolteclogic]

thank you Lauren,

liquid promise
queen of sorrows
every cloud
i find has a silver lining

in spirit

[tolteclogic]

i can no longer endure
long days up on my feet
such as they are
it makes sense now
being an artist
breaking out the pastels
lights are all hung
and tables are covered
with all the colors
of the rainbow

charging $300 for a pastle
taken from a photo i think now
is a fair price and almost makes
the investment in my time worthwhile

still the hours that are required
to do a good job is, i suppose,
better than the hard labor i
was doing before even if it is
only pennys on the dollar
if I can just squeeze out
two finished portraits
per month i can survive
comfortably on my disability
(already i have one more
scheduled after this one)
And don't get me started
on the subject of disability
all the presumptions
and judgements
that go along with the stigma
of being considered "disabled"
kinda works as a strike against
one's innate intelligence

back in about 1991 or 92
my vocational rehab
councilor suggested that
i should look into it
after having listened
to my complaints of
internal obstructions
for nearly 14 years

it had never occured to me
to consider my long term
suffering as disabling
but the more I thought
about it the more it
seemed to make sense

all those years fighting for my life
on a bicyle or swimming the Cape Fear
I had learned that as this condition
worsened my only hope of pushing
through the obstructions upon my clarity
was to practice endurance beyond
the limits of normal human capacity
bicycling in some cases as much as,
if not more than, 250 miles in a single wk
at the outer extreme...
but usely not less than 125 miles
on average in a normal week

so there i am bicycling one leggedly
an enigma within a dichotomy
all my time since early high school
absorbed in the sactuary of
my library in books
yet at every turn i find myself
hated and reviled within a community
of purely black and white extremes
and there i am stuck in the middle
living the life of an esthetic while
all along the rumor mills were
grinding my bones to dust

Recently while reclaiming my life
as an artist clearing out my
studio / study / meditaion space
funny how the more we add
to a room the larger the space
seems to become...
i stumbled upon some old
discarded poems from that
dark period in my life where
i was told the cure would certainly
alter my brain chemistry to the
extent that some people had
been known to commit suicide
but i emphatically declined
all their recommended brain candy
so long as i knew what to expect
i wanted nothing else to rob me
of my remaining clarity
in the moment
i don't do anti-depressants
and now reading back over my work
from that time in my life it is not
nearly so poorly written as i had remembered:

from within the dark that is light...

A Bad Man

Not every man is entitled
to an ordinary life
Not the bad man
The one(s) who gather knowledge
Who think for them-selves
Who have stepped off this wheel in time
You were dead to life
A kid from no where
Taken up out of yourself
Broken the continuity of the conditioned self
Now a kid with money
Absent one leg
A small price for redemption
driven into obscurity
A busted up body broken by life
A high speed impact
Two kids on a bike
Some injuries won't mend
Not like broken bones
A necessary recluse
There is the Voice of the inquisition
That begs the question
Who are you if not the sum of this history
We might ascribe to you?
Your dichotomy is the image given
An open book
A life in seclusion
History can be made to repeat itself
Contrary to one's own best intention
You are what we make of you


I am an artist by education
but have chosen a path less traveled
I had a departmental scholarship
I could do it again
but I would rather write than paint at present
I am to old to fall back into that student trap
I have fought long and hard
up against death and relentless opposition
Had i not taken the inititive not to give up
Bicycling well in excess of 125 miles
on average each and every week
for nearly 10 years through out the 80's
Fighting for my life swimming the cape fear
or the local beaches 4 to 7 miles
on an even clip
Always against the current~~~
You had to push yourself
feel that steady burn
Or you got nowhere
fighting that primal force
It is what has kept you alive
and able to write
against all expectations
to the contrary
But then came the 90's and next 2000
Set adrift landing in re-construction
Having the one leg is not nearly so bad
as the damage to the remaining joints
all those years on a bicycle
have a heavy cost
Then climbing ladders all day
or working in crawl spaces
I am honestly not afraid of hard work
But soon it may be more
than I am able to do
My stolen life if returned to me
Would not be so difficult
as it is right now
One car repair away
from certain disaster



Judgement Day - Open book

You can call me Anti-social
You can call me crazy
that was the death certificate
that was written
on my disability

Yea they say 'I am disabled"
or at least I proved it on my own
after many long years of hardship
and struggle, my VR counselor
said, Why don't you apply for disability
this had never occured to me
I always thought that
I would make it on my own
I had turned down the job
they had found for me
at the film corporation
in the sculpture department
working on a Steven King movie
I was much to busy I thought
getting rich quick at home
(i did manage to make it
into the Who's Who
in three separate
catagories not that
i ever made any money
it looked good on paper)
and riding my bicycle
one of those moments
where your whole life
hangs in the balance
at some cross roads
of opportunity
guess he was tired
of hearing about
all my woes and troubles
and the health problems
i had always battled alone

No lawyer would touch my case
said it couldn't be won
heaven forbid they might actually
have to work for their money
So I took it up on my own
Someone had told me the secret
to being heard without an attorney
Appeal until you reach the Federal Judge
and I won

I am in an implausable catch 22
I barter for my life


"Generally speaking, a great affair which endures long
unchanging requires great work that endures long
unceasing before it can be achieved."


Time Off

If i must take a day off
Let it be one day for clarity
No more sick days
Lack of clarity
Dependent on
This broken body
Will it cooporate?
Unlikely uncertain
The stakes just got
a lot higher
Who are you going to turn to now?
Interferon surging through
the brain
What will the results be this time?
Chances are pretty good...
better than average
new genome studies
have identified
3 types Hep-C
the third of which
is 85% curable
under this new treatment
6 full months of 'bloody' hell
Let's hope this time
it will be worth it
The past three weeks
have been a living hell
But somehow you keep going
How will you make it
through the Summer?
Finish work carpentry
Hanging sheetrock
Working hard labor?
This the Summer of your existence
This will be the year of your cure
That is if the cure doesn't kill you...
Crazy they call me
Ego to big
Out of control
Tripping on self importance
Maybe so
They say let it go
Don't disturb the injured past
Awaken the sleeping Dragon
And pay the consequence
Progenitors of lies...
Your Aunt Judy
The Pentacostal pulpit Minister
Tells you
leave dead dogs lie
"The more you stir a pile of shit
The worse it's going to stink"
But I don't accept
this analogy
For my life
How many redeemed drug dealers
Preach to the pulpit
In total acceptance
Unquestioned
Sinister
Shysters full of shit
The double blind analogy
The dead leading the blind
agreeing to judge equally
all who fail to comply
or
captitulate
to
Closed minded myopia

[DavidMc]

Just simply, wonderful writing Cleveland.

Respect, David.

[anirbas]

"I like coming here to work out my thoughts,
unlike any other site i know, there is a sense
of freedom to express and a shared comradery
that is indeed rare in this world..."

I repeat what David said, it means alot...
It's exactly the spirit for the place we envisioned
and hoped to cultivate for it...And don't forget...
You are one of the amazing artists and talents, here...

Take care of you for us, okie dokie?
Sabrina.

[tolteclogic]

Thanks Sabrina and David,

Yes and i realize that i am writing
dangerously close to the edge
with so much left open for
interputation. But under the
circumstances at that time in my life
i felt that i should allow things
to stand just as they are written...
Being a long time student of
health and nutrition once i had
gotten my settlement for the time
spent winning my claim for disability
i headed for Florida and an intensive
deep tissue cleanse which pretty
much sat me on the road to
recovery from a life time of
internal suffering obstructions
then i lost my home, my credit
was stolen, i went bankrupt,
yet worked my way off disabilty
just in time enough to discover
I had a terminal disease which
once more knocked me off
my feet unable to work
at a job which was rapidly
wearing me down anyway
so now I am back to being
an artist and loving it
full circle

[anirbas]

so now I am back to being
an artist and loving it
full circle
~TL.

Spoken like a true artist. Hate to hear some of the stuff that happens and has happened to you, T. But, at the same time, being an artist your miseries make good fodder for poetical art
and prose of what life is like on the edge. And so many of us are living that, to one degree of another, and it's nice to see other poets put our feelings into words, too...Although, Heaven only knows, we poets, can eludicate our feelings pretty well on our own cypherically...LOL...
It's always comforting to see another poet echo those feelings, too...Let's us misfits and miscreants, know we are not so alone, after all...

Never had my credit stolen, but I have had my identity stolen--birth certificate, driver's license and social security card, along with my two children's social security cards. All of which happened to be in my purse, at the same time, as I was frantically trying to apply for some state aid during a hard scrabble financial moment in time. So, all those documents were in my purse, when it was stolen...Otherwise, nothing would have been in there, but the driver's license...Along with a blank money order for fifty dollars I'd purchased to pay a bill, but hadn't yet filled out and about twenty dollars in cash and change...

Funny twist to the story...Well, funny to my darkly ironic mind...I "found" that purse, about a year later...In a neighborhood garage sale...LOL...Yes, I did...At first, I thought I was going bonkers...But, I unzipped it and found the only items left in it were a bottle of dark pink nail polish and paint chips like you pick up when you're trying to decide what color to paint your house...That was the damning evidence...All four colors, now up on my house, across the street...LOL...

Of course I confronted my neighbor...She tried to deny it...I pointed across the street to my house and waved the paint chips in front of her face that matched it...And told her I wanted
my documents back I didn't give a rat's ass about about the money or the money order...I wanted my documents back...She scurried into her house, and managed to come up with my two children's social security cards, at least, thank somebody that was on call up there for them...My documents were gone...She claimed her roomate had stolen my purse and sold my documents to someone else for crack...

It was a year since it had happened, I didn't realize at the time, I could still have pressed charges...I took my kids socials and was thankful to have that...

Turned out the "ladies" in question were running a combination identity theft ring,
crack selling house and it was rumored, running a prostitution gig out of the house as well...With two of the most beautiful little blonde haired, blued eyed toddler girls
caught in the middle of all the shit...

Not long after I found my purse, even though I didn't press charges, their world
started crashing in on them. The ex-husband of the one with the children, finally
managed to prove her an unfit mother and gained full custody of first one and then the other child. The wildbunch moved after that. And within a couple of months, the neighbor I confronted about the purse and whom lost her two girls, was in the news and in jail with another lady and two guys, busted for running an identity theft ring...

I'll never know where or whom my identity went to...Or what they did with it...Or
still might do with it...I did get my driver's license number changed...The S.S. office didn't seem interested in changing my number, unless or until, something was done that I had nothing to do with using it that I could prove...I did get a copy of the birth certificate. But, the one I had was special, as it was the original my mom gave me when I left home. I still cringe if I get stopped for a traffic violation, which isn't often...LOL...Wondering if someone has used my identity and then gone to jail or committed a crime in my name...And if I'm about to get slammed for something I really didn't do...And no one will believe me...Because that's what all convicts and jailed people say...I didn't do it...LOL...

Take care of you for us...More ramblfied than usual this morning...I accidently took my thyroid medication, twice this morning...and the double dose is starting to make my palms sweat and I feel like I"m about to jump out of my skin...Like enerrrrgy is zinging like lightning from my palms...Perhpas i should leave th ecomputer and go wash windows with all this extra energy making me so...Shit...T...I feel like I'm twenty something and I've snorted crystal agian
not the shit the kids and fkae chefs acalll crack these day s...the real stuff....Made by real chefs....Not this shit made fro sudafed and batrtery acid these dayssfuck

[tolteclogic]

Started out writing one thing this morning
which transmuted into another thing which
didn't allow for finishing the first - so i hit
the delete key once again... yet this time
i did think to save my work for future
reference... Yes here lately if it weren't
for these neighbors working my good nature
i would be comfortable clawing my way out
of this hole - but it just keeps getting
deeper and like a dumb shit i never learn
and fall for the lies again... What gets me
is how people survive and stay high as
the Georgia Pines without ever lifting a
finger to work... beats the hell out of me.
There seems to be no conscience process
envolved, what little money i had to get
me to the end of the month gone on
a desperate plea for help. I suspect that
for my kindness, i will get screwed again.
Not literally but figuratively - this neighbor
from hell always some grand emergence
her good cousin the one i respect
is coming to rescue sure to pay me
back and provide her a place to stay.
That was nearly three days ago
and now i have no water to drink
or bus fair if I get called in for a job.
Hanging in limbo... that little bit of
money so hard for me to come by
apparently means nothing in
that frame of mind...
I have a number of medical conditions
any one of which would not begrudge
me this small pentence of disabilty...
quite honestly i feel rather blessed
and fortunate to have it... getting
into that head on collison a while
back was a real blessing in disgiuse
it taught me i can live between the
margins and focus on getting some
serious writing done... But now that
time is past... it was a good, productive
and fruitful transition - that little nest
egg the necessary hedge that allowed
me to keep this home while the creative
fires burned is long gone... i really do
not begrude myself being an artist
but as i've said many times before
there was something else that needed
to be said before i could let go of this
burden from the past... i could honestly
give a rats ass what anyone thinks of me -
it is what comes in behind closed doors
that scares the hell out of me... Shit
really does happen and i count myself
most fortunate to be alive because i
have seen there is true evil in this
world which takes no prisoners when
provoked... the trick is going unnoticed
until we are able in all confidence to
stand up for something that we know
is true without there being any threat
of reprisal, otherwise we invite trouble
on ourselves where none originally
existed... that simply is the nature of the
beast... i hold no grudges against all
those who have attempted do me in -
like they say, whatever doesn't kill you
only serves to make you stronger. Most
are dead now themselves anyway,
besides they were only pawns in
the service of a far greater evil...
which if it doesn't like what i have
to say, the staus quo can go fuck
itself and kiss my lily white ass
because i won't be silent. I have
earned this right to speak with
my very life.
Yea, 5 years ago when it became
apparent that soon i would no longer
be able to work. I thought that if
there is any justice in this world
for all the hardships i have endured
for being singled out strung up
hung out to dry and ostracized
nearly all my life, then somewhere
there must be a place in this world
where the truth could be told.
But i learned the hard way that
my bible thumping pentacostal
preaching Anut Judy was right.
If you don't leave dead dogs lie,
and keep on stirring this big ol'
pile of shit the worse it really 'is
going to stink'. But the question
remains, Who pulls the strings
far behind the scenes? If we
should attempt or threaten to expose
local governments and disreputable
abuses of authority the reverberations
are indeed immediate and far reaching.
No sooner had i begun to write about
this kangaroo travesty of justice than
i am hit with all manner of wide spread
soical consternation and from the most
unlikely places. How does word travel
so fast to be so far reaching, just like
being ostracised all over again from
so many (30) years ago. But this time so
far removed from the space and
time of original events I remain amazed
and flabergasted at the tenacity of
evil government, corrupt judges
and crooked cops doing their public
sevice.
Oh i don't mind the inferences snid
remarks insults and insinuations
the cold shoulders and short
hand shakes or even the rud check out
clerks enlisted to rub it in with malicious intent.
It was all to familiar yet so sudden and swift.
And it was at that moment that i took all of
this in 'to become a poet'. And no sooner than
i began to write and speak of the fickle nature
of social survive, just as suddenly as it had
arisen it all reverted back beneath the surface.
But i knew at that point i was now and forever
more back under the microscope and all to
aware of the self fulfilling nature of such things.
I took great care not to smoke anything that
i was not certain where it came from... because
shit really does happen.

[tolteclogic]

I suppose this would be funny if it wasn't
so deathly serious... there are days
i suppose when it is better if we left
some things unsaid... the things which
are true but can never be spoken -
not unlike my Huichol name (that was
given to me by one of numerous shaman
i had the good fortune once to travel
with) that can not be spoken yet still
remains an integral aspect of my being...
this seperate reality exist but
since we can not see it for all of
our continguous thoughts and memories
built upon the largely unquestioned sum
total of our personal histories we do not
see the present moment for what it is.
And for those of us who for whatever
reason find ourselves torn from the
apparent continuity of our conditioned
lives and discover for ourselves
the intergal truth of our original being
where then do we fit in...?
It is a good and valid question. Gibran,
Jung and all of our great mystical traditions
point towards a great awakening the
emergence of our true identity the
immortal within, but in all traditions
we are given grave warnings not
to allow this light to shine to brightly
otherwise we might find ourselves
pinned against a wall or hung out
to dry like the proverbial hanged man.
"Wisdom" says Gibran "stands of the
street corner and calls to us above
the multitude, but we deem her a
thing without worth and despise
them that follow her." What to do?
There is such a great chasm and
devide in these modern times
between those who embrace
this continuity of out temporal
conditioning and all those who
think there could be a better
way but have no clear idea
what that is.Where
does one turn for answers within
the sea of so much New Age jargon?
Where the most simple would appear
to be embraced but still we must remain
divided into noninclusive camps and
divisions always separating one
group from another. Never fully embracing
or living in the moment. Yes there is this
separate reality but the side paths and
by ways are many and to often add up
to far greater forms of distraction. But
if this is what makes us happy then
by all means that is how we should
continue to live our lives - in perpetual
judgements.

[anirbas]

I apologize for sounding freaky towards the end of my last reply, Cleveland.

I took my thyroid medication twice, accidently this morning. I have hypothyroidism...
And when I don't sleep well, I have rotten memory...As soon, as I swallowed the second pill, I remembered I'd already taken it. When I first started taking the medication, I accidently took it twice, a couple of times, til I got used to being on a medicine schedule. To little or to much of the thyroidic hormone in the body does odd things to the body.

I was trying to describe what the experience felt like...Why, I have no idea...LOL...And the closest I could come to it, was that overdosing on synthroid was like overdosing on "crystal", something I experimented with way, way back in the 80's until I decided it was stupid...LOL...

As I was sitting here at the computer, my hands were shaking so bad, I could barely type...Trying to tell you that stupid story about losing my identity was taking all I had as I kept having to go back and fix my flubs...My hands were shaking that bad...By the time I made it to the last paragraph...I just gave up trying...Was so aggravated with myself and trying to say what I don't know...My mind was racing about a hundred miles per hour...For several hours...Realized I needed to be off I was getting rather sick at that moment...Palms sweating...Face and body flushing...Skin tingling and prickling...Heart racing...Hands shaking so bad no matter how hard I worked to maintain control of them I couldn't make my fingers go where they were supposed to on the keyboard.

I was trying to describe what a synthroid overdose felt like instead of just stopping what I was doing...Why? Brain was off on it's own thing at that moment...I take a physician prescribed amount of 125 mgs of synthroid every day, soon as I wake up. And today, because of my forgetfulness, I accidently upped the dosage to 250 mgs...Havn't done that in about 4 years...To tell the truth, I was so forgetful this morning, I told Ivy I would only know for sure if I'd overdosed myself when and if the overdose symptoms started appearing.

Around 8:30 the symptoms started creeping up on me...By the time I was posting in your thread, at around 11, I wasn't doing to good...But, the last thing you can do when you've overdosed your hypothyroid meds is lay down...So, I left your thread and went to washing windows just like I said...Anything physical that might help calm my temporarily fried and tilted system.

I went back and forth from the windows to walking around the backyard with my symptoms only growing stronger. Telling you all this now, as it was your thread I fell apart in...
And because it scared David so bad, he was ringing me up around 1-ish to check on me...At that point, I could barely talk...Stuttering and stammering...When the mind is racing, it's hard to get the words off the tongue and one must really work hard to speak in that state...

And writing or typing is totally out of the question, obviously...LOL...I'm so sorry
I flipped in your thread and feel awful to have scared poor David like that...

Really, even though I've experienced this before, as it's the third time, in like 7? 8? years of being on the meds, that I've done this-- I knew I just had to ride it out...Scared me really bad the first time I did it...I called my doc, all freaked out and he told me I just had to ride it out and watch my symptoms...If my chest went to hurting get to an emergency room.

I'm only on long enough now, to say sorry I freaked in your thread, but if I was going to freak in a thread, glad it was yours...You know we humans are fallible...Stress and sleeplessness make us ten times more fallible, yes? Take care of poor David for me...I scared the hell out of him, today...And I plan to be off a bit...In spirit and thank you, Sabrina.

[tolteclogic]

And so this attorney said, "According to the law
in this area, you are a bad man, and what you
have to do is prove to the judge is otherwise."
He then proceeded to tell me his fee which
would be required before he would even
consider speaking with me and exactly how
much i might need my day in court and
even with all that he still would not
guarantee to keep me out of jail. I was
indigant at his remark about being a "bad
man" and said how can that be when I
had never even been in any trouble
in that county let alone the town we were
sitting in. And in all earnestnest all he could
say was that "Word gets around."

And so when I came back to pay him his money
after talking myself blue in the face. His snid
little associate who had been sitting in on our
meeting, had the audacity to say, "Yes being
in such a seminary program would certainly
help your case, if indeed there is such a
place." I mean really how lame is that.
I guess you could say I could see the proverbial
writing on the way... if i couldn't even get my
own attorney to listen to my side of the story,
what chance in hell did i have my day in court?
And in that moment I knew exactly what it was
i would have to do if i were to have any hope of
success. I went home and wrote out a 7 page
letter listing all of my grievances and achievments
and ending by saying "and i would thank his
associate to keep his snid remarks to him self
from that day forward. To which this attorney would
reply in his most indignate voice, "Well if this is
the way you feel then i think you'd better find
yourself another attorney."
At which point it was my turn at diplomacy.
I said Sir if i can not even get you to believe my
side of the case, what chance do you think i
will have in court. I don't want another
attorney...
After all he came highly recommended
being the town's attorney. Once he had settled
down we shook hands and he agreed to represent me.
He did conceed and could not deny that the cops
were not above going out of their way to get
certain people off the street - their civic duty
and all that. It's just the way things get done.
We both knew i had been set up there
wasn't any denying it. I just wasn't
going to allow them to get away with it
any more...
Needless to say my day in court went far different
from his original prediction, the fine was far less than
originally mentioned and the judge actually apologized
for having to take my license after all it was mandatory.
And of course there was no mention of jail time. In
fact my attorney did not even show up himself
but sent his associate who now treated me with
the proper respect.
If only i had the good sense to realize the significance
of this major achievement in my life, i could have averted
much unnecessary trouble much later on.

[tolteclogic]

Hey no problem nir, anyone could see you had the
jetters no need to apologize... I know all about
the effects of little or no sleep. Sometimes i get
so fatigued my whole body achs particularly
the pad of my foot. That's when I realize i
need to slow down or risk making myself
really sick, and with all the rucus next
door sleep is certainly a rare commodity
here lately. I start getting real edgy but
the cat really doesn't take it personally
when I snap at her... this week in particular
has been hard going pushing myself with
no rest but the portrait never the less
is coming along nicely.. it is probably me
who should apology owing to the
imputations in my recent post
guess we all could use some rest
i hold out hope that my $30 dollars
will some how find it's way back
home tonight as promised
but why up set a perfect
record by being honest
tomorrow is moving day
supposedly just like
every other day these
past three weeks
as my grandaddy
always use to say
when someone stiffed
him in his business
"if they can live with it,
i can live without it"
and you could tell
he meant it

i need a rest

in spirit

tl

[tolteclogic]

within this field of emotion
i've been hurt
i don't feel the pain
(of these emotions)
that are not real
wasn't it all an illusion
an elaborate game
of no innocent seduction?
sometimes we
make the mistake
of thinking with
the wrong organ
unable to act simply
without seeking
anything extraneous

if we are seduced
by our own mistaken
inclinations should
we not suffer?

where even the smallest
kindness can affect you
in this issolation
cut off from the world
it is important
that we learn
to control our emotions

we are adviced
at this turning point
to release the impediments
that would hold us back
it is not required
that we rescue anyone
or be rescued ourselves
give up dramatic agendas
move on to a realm
of higher reasoning
go forth with
confidence and courage
detached from
the arena of ego
choose the higher ground
open yourself
only to those who
you know are
fully committed
to their principles
it is most important
always to meet halfway
with hearts open
to allow for
a deeper level
of truth and trust
once you have
conqured
your animal nature
you have nothing to fear
don't bargain away
creativity or joy
nor forsake your boundries
to give yourself away
be sure to recognize
where the sacrafice
in your time and energy
is not right for you
and be willing
to cut your loses
face your fear
of being alone
it is always up to you

having been through
negative circumstance
take your cue
from the new situation
the process of releasing
the past
is transforming
don't resist it
nothing you lose
at this point
will cost you more
than resistance to change

[dawness]

traces of ezra pound here, tl. sumptuously spicy!

[tolteclogic]

Thank You Dawn,

i'll take that as a big complement

i have this wish list of books
to be added to my library
once things
get back to normal
I find Edward R. Hamilton
has the best deals anywhere
their most recent catalog
has some great
poetry selections
but it is first come
first serve
on overstock
buy outs

all the best
in spirit
tl

[tolteclogic]

“The crossing of great rivers is that whereby inner nurturance
and outer effectiveness is accomplished.”


Like being a wall
of immense height
stopping in unknowing
breaking through space
nurturance of the great
subduing energy
stilling strength
the mind that is not mind
is called the true mind
it has no location
immaterial yet not void
it is open awareness
unobscured
integrated with the
celestial principle
one rest
in the highest good


“The path of producing happiness is the consumation of harmonious
action.”

“For wealth to be daily renewed it is necessary to act in accord with the
time: only then can one suceed.”

“If one can accord with the time, then the promotion of strength
can be correct, and the use of intelligence can be appropriate.”

“Joy is that that whereby virtue is made harmonious, virtue is that
whereby joy is made complete.

“How can people be happy without honoring virtue?”


The Taoist I Ching

[tolteclogic]

my tolerance for this abuse
now turns to anger
it is one lie after another
why i must do without
while this parian preys
on my good nature
i want my life back
from this vortex of deceit
misrepresentations
stratagems of deception
perhaps i should have
known better
no one but myself to blame
let this be a lesson to me
it's one thing to forgive
a small inconvinence
it is quite something
else when someone
steals your last dollar
without a care
for the hardships
this will cause
never again

[tolteclogic]

And the worst part of it is
she's still here
5 days ago she was leaving
had to have this money
just until her cousin
got into town
it was yet another
damned big emegence
yes and i believed her
she can be very convincing
also i suppose
in the back of my mind
i thought even with
as badly as i need
this money and as hard
as it was to come by
if it will help her to
leave even if i never
see it again it might
be worth it to trust her
this one last time
but she's still here
and the lies keep
rolling off the tip of
her tongue, this girl
who was suppose to
take her in and give
her shelter should
have been good for it
but let's see her husband
just went ape shit and
destroyed everything
in her home and slashed
her tires and then when
she finally did show up
everytime i'd try to talk
to her, this girl would run
interference to be
sure one lie wouldn't
meet another
saying oh we going
to come over later
with your money
and when that
doesn't happen
oh she'll be back
in the morning
and now she's
been
in some kind of
terrible traffic accident...
couldn't even get a coke
for my slow digestion
and was really made
quite ill last night
as a result eating
whatever i could
find to be thrown
in a pot - call it soup
actually it was quite
good but got caught
like a lead weight
in my gut and for
me that is the
worse because
as some of you might
know the gut is the
seat of anger
making matters
100 times worse
oh poor me
at least there
is coffee in the
morning to break
up the obstructions
nothing worse than
a bad gut to keep
you awake at night
and rob one of
essential clarity
in fact that was
my claim for disability
and the reason why
i would remain in
seclusion and celibate
in search of inner healing
and push my self so hard
for so many years through
feats of physical endurance
in the hope of clarity
over obstruction
a chronic progressive
condition only exacerbated
through three amputations
but it is what has forced
me to go beyond and
within myself to reclaim
more than i ever
thought possible
or even knew
existed
all things terrible
are not always
entirely bad


just spoke to her
she said,
would tommorrow
be to late?
you gotta
admire her tenacity
never to conceed
to the reality
of her own true
intention
of stringing
me along
after all
'tomorrow
is another day'
said she'll get
her check
cashed today...
and i'm thinking
to my self
today would
be so much
better...
so i tell
her please
as soon as
you could get
it - without
it i won't
be able to
pay the light bill
and live to eat
till the fourth
day of the month

said she's
leaving today

[Sam]

I haven't had the chance to read the whole thread here, but it sounds like the the "evil" woman used her cunning and skills on you....(?) Obviously been played, my friend!!

Don't feel bad, we are all only human!!!!

I wish we were closer, then Sabrina and I could go "coax" it out of her.

Cheer up! I happen to know you are getting paid tomorrow since the 4th falls on Sunday!!!
Check it out!!

Sam

[soulfir3]

wonderful pieces in this thread, thank you for sharing. Look forward to reading more of you

[tolteclogic]

"Though near to reality by nature, people become
estranged by habit."

"If noble people who cultivate the Tao only know the
small and do not know the great, they may thereby
maintain quietude in solitary tranquility,without action
or striving, but if they try to thereby fulfill their own
nature and reach their destiny, to travel the Path to
its further reaches, they will only call misfortune
upon themselves."

"When you act through the mind of Tao, the human
mind is peaceful and quite, obedient to natural
principle, extinquishing falsehood by reality,
finding the master and not straying."

sound at the beginning
sound at the end
the mind of Tao
comes into being
the human mentality
does not arise
completion without
fabrication
yielding obediance
to strength
not allowing
external falsehood
to damage
internal reality
sincere, serene
and utterly empty
hiding one's refinements
one can maintain rectitude
be correct
in accord with others
mindful of consequences
while flexible
one is firm
while receptive
one can be strong
after rectitude
comes creativity
whatever one creates
grows
whatever grows
bears fruit

"The reason cultivation of the Tao uses yin is just
to control the vehemence of artificial yang. Once
artificial yang has ceased, real yang should ad-
vance."

"If people can develop understanding from confusion,
make yin follow yang, use the human mind to return
to the mind of Tao, use the mind of Tao to govern
the human mind, finding the master after they had
previously lost it, even if they are stupid they will
become illumined, and even if they are weak they
will become strong."

"The mind with truthfulness is the mind of Tao,
when the mind of Tao becomes manifest, the
human mentality does not arrise - sane energy
grows, aberrant energy recedes, and one can
thus go in and out of yin and yang without being
constrained by yin and yang."


getting rid of falsehood
returning to reality
it is necessary
to work in the midst
of great danger
deep within
the dragon's pool
inside the tiger's lair
it can not be
accomplished
by empty tranquility
without action

"Only then can one restore one's orignal being
and develop it into something indestructible."

"In mastering pitfalls there is truthfulness; thus
the mind develops."

The Taoist I Ching