Worst Nightmare...

[anirbas]

Twenty years ago today...
We were united in a common goal...
On the same page, of the same mind...
By the universe or by random chance,
paired together on a mission
of russian roulette...

Working in tandem,
to bring you into this dimension...
Through the labor and delivery process...
And both of us live to tell about it...

Odd, or not, we are no longer
of the same mind,
much less on the same page
about anything...

This ragged line you drew in the sand
standing between us as deep and wide
as a crevasse...I told you...
There would come a time...
I would say, no more...

But, it brings me no joy
I didn't bother to attempt to call
you to sing songs to the Birthday Boy...
No, no joy...Only sorrow...

This is the tomorrow
you dreamed and crafted
into happening...Not the tomorrow
I dreamed of...No, not this...
This, is a mother's
worst nightmare...

[soulfir3]

I know our nightmares are very different, but I do empathise. Powerful, moving write Nir
I wish there were something I could do to help. ~s

[dawness]

ans the past still haunts us... perhaps with lessons learned. awwwh, sabs. like this one!

[magpie]

(((((darlingnirling)))))

kids eh? mine's causing me grief, just the other week he broke into the school with another kid, stole spraypaint then went to the playground and sprayed tags and obscenities all over the new equipment. he was charged and i had to take him to court over it. All at 12 years of age. It depresses me, he's done over $1000 of damage and i still have to buy him christmas presents? (I've got a lump of coal someplace and I'm tempted to dig that up...) kinda know the feeling, lovey.

[anirbas]

(((((sweetpretties,oneandall)))))

i so feel for you, Mags...i would like to say, hopefully, this will be HIS wake up call...
for if not, you and he, have a rough row to hoe the next several years, til you
are no longer responsible for his actions and choices...that's what they never seem
to get, these days...their actions and choices, affect and effect, so many more than
themselves...but, there comes a day, no matter what fits they pitch or threats they make,
they are of legal age, and there is nothing more we can do for them as parents, if they manage to lose themselves in "the system", as adults...

i will always feel as though, when i started dropping mine off in the parking lot of the high school, in his ninth grade year...that i lost his hand in a crowd, as he walked through those doors and i never got it back in mine, again...peers, attitude, prescription and hard street drugs and alcohol snagged him...and then the law snagged him and that, was the end of that...and in my state, one is charged as an adult at the age of seventeen...

did you know, teenagers have parties these days, where they bring the various prescription drugs they find in their own homes, including adhd meds, any of their siblings may be taking...
they throw them all into a bowl, mixed with hard drugs...ecstasy, known as X, on the streets, etc...a lethal mix of mom and dad's prozac, zoloft, valium, vicodin, xanax, ativan, darvocet, little brother's ridlin and X, and who knows what else...they throw them all together into a bowl, swish it around, reach in grab one or several, and knock 'em back...not knowing what they are mixing, or what effect it is going to have upon them...most importantly, their brains, which develop until we are twenty-one and shouldn't be fucked with at least til they are through developing...darksnicker...

throw in the onset of raging hormones, triggering all sorts of biological and pregeneticized behaviors in some of them, my son, for instance...and there you go...all the ingredients of a parent's worst nightmare...and everyone looking at you, like what the fuck did you do wrong?
never realizing, it's not always the tree, sometimes, it's the apple...or some such rot...

well, Mags...I'll pray for you and that son of yours...and that this is HIS wake up call...
he made the choice to do what he did...not you...those are his actions...not yours...
and don't you let a soul make you think otherwise, including him...and i wouldn't want to
get him anything for Xms, either...perhaps a two week vacation at a reform school? LOL
i so wish I'd had the money to put my son somewhere someone, might could have gotten through to him...i really lost him, when he started growing hair in strange places and realized,
mom was a female and he was a male...with every hair that sprouted on his chest, under his arm pits, he lost more and more respect for me and listened less and less to me...then, he hit high school and it was all over but the ending that never ends, from that point on...

kids...i totally understand, why some animal parents, eat their young...ggglgggl...

God help us all...Sabrina.

[brandnewmessiah]

I agree Anirbas, A very moving piece. Guess we could say life is a game of russian roulette, we only get 1 shot at it. Superb write! ~ BNM

[anirbas]

Yes, life is a game of russian roulette and we only get one shot...Good one, BNM.
And raising kids is a gamble, a fifty-fifty crapshoot, at best and worst, no matter what one does, I've found...Now, I watch my youngest with weary, wary eyes wondering what kind of pain may she inflict upon me, inflicting pain upon herself...Thanks for moving and superb comments on the piece. Sabrina.

[Sam]

We are stuck with our children, just as they are stuck with us. It is unfortunate for most all of us. And, yes, she will turn on you eventually. Not intentionally, but her own life will pull her away with you hanging on to her leg pulling her back. (I am sure)

I thought I was a good parent....My son has now been quick to tell me how badly he had it. He is so bitter and resentful to me most of the time, I have gotten to where I avoid him as much as I can because he is quick to snap at me and does not hesitate to scold me in public and I have grown weary of this treatment.

My mother was such a strong woman. I wonder sometimes where I went wrong.

I have had a rough life, myself. I divorced their dad and raised them by myself. I drank some, smoked a little herb, but I basically stayed home with my children reading, coloring, listening to the radio and dancing on our living room floor.

My daughter treats me differently, but it is a need need situation. I need to wash, they need me to babysit. We get along, is all I can say.

I figure I would be happier, further away from them. It wouldn't hurt so badly, then.

I was blessed with good children. (Kind of a turn around) I guess they feel they got the bad-seed for their mother.

I can only say I have loved them with all of my heart, and given them the best I had to offer.

My mother's greatest fear was to be placed in an old folk's home.( Nursing home) I never allowed that fear to materialize...

My greatest fear is to be in a nursing home and never have anyone to come and see me....
By the grace of God, I hope and trust He will see my fear never materializes.

I am rambling on here!! (?) Bottom line: We can only do what we can do, and most of the time others will judge us as unworthy, or unfit. I fall back to the good book, "Judge not, lest ye be judged." When I "know" I have done the best I can, I hold my head up and walk on by!



Love to all,

Sam

[anirbas]

I loved reading this, Sam...Thank you for sharing a bit of your Samland reality, thoughts and memories...Precious moments, I spent in the reading of this...Thank you...Sabrina.

[soulfir3]

sam said:

We are stuck with our children, just as they are stuck with us. It is unfortunate for most all of us. And, yes, she will turn on you eventually. Not intentionally, but her own life will pull her away with you hanging on to her leg pulling her back. (I am sure)

I thought I was a good parent....My son has now been quick to tell me how badly he had it. He is so bitter and resentful to me most of the time, I have gotten to where I avoid him as much as I can because he is quick to snap at me and does not hesitate to scold me in public and I have grown weary of this treatment.

My mother was such a strong woman. I wonder sometimes where I went wrong.

I have had a rough life, myself. I divorced their dad and raised them by myself. I drank some, smoked a little herb, but I basically stayed home with my children reading, coloring, listening to the radio and dancing on our living room floor.

My daughter treats me differently, but it is a need need situation. I need to wash, they need me to babysit. We get along, is all I can say.

I figure I would be happier, further away from them. It wouldn't hurt so badly, then.

I was blessed with good children. (Kind of a turn around) I guess they feel they got the bad-seed for their mother.

I can only say I have loved them with all of my heart, and given them the best I had to offer.

My mother's greatest fear was to be placed in an old folk's home.( Nursing home) I never allowed that fear to materialize...

My greatest fear is to be in a nursing home and never have anyone to come and see me....
By the grace of God, I hope and trust He will see my fear never materializes.

I am rambling on here!! (?) Bottom line: We can only do what we can do, and most of the time others will judge us as unworthy, or unfit. I fall back to the good book, "Judge not, lest ye be judged." When I "know" I have the best I can, I hold my head up and walk on by!



Love to all,

Sam

Thank you for sharing this intimate piece of your life, Sam. It moved me greatly.

I have always felt as though I must have done something extraordinarily horrid too lose my children to their father and then again, in the permenant lose of my eldest son when he died.
I know he is still "with" me and I think of him constantly, but it's not nearly the same as being able to hold him, or hear him playing with his brother and the sister he has never met, but who still thinks the world of "her" Kody.

I often wonder, how the shift and trauma my other son, Shaun, has gone through in such a short space of time will effect, or has already effected him. I see a much older and sometimes, too wise a man in what is still, only a childs mind and body. His eyes are often thoughtful and sad.. and I pray that there will never be the lose of love and dependancy between he and I, as there was between myself and my own mother ( an addict, alcoholic and self admitted hater of her own flesh and blood ).

In my daughter, Nerissa, I can see the anger that lingers inside of her and I know, without even seeking for a deeper answer that a lot of it comes from carrying her, while dealing with the loss of her brother. I also know that some of it, comes from the anger and crap she dealt with as a result of her dad and I seperating.
I wish I could take the hurt, anger and confusion from her, I hope that I am doing the best for her. That she knows how much I love her and that, for all that has been lost - I would never trade anything for something different.

How do we ever know, if what we are doing. If what we have done is ever enough ? All I ever want, is too give my own children the love and security that I was blessed with thanks too my grand parents and great grandmother. I hope I can. I hope I am. Only time will tell I guess.

Much Love and Peace to you all,
Soul xxx

-

Bones and fire,
Fire and bones:
We cannot look!
It will sear our eyes!
Even here is beauty,
The ashes of love.
To see you truly
I would have to die.

[Sam]

I was also very moved by your sharing with me this morning. I have something to say to you and I pray for the right words to express myself as it needs to be expressed.

It is a good thing to think of Kody. It keeps him close to you and it helps bring you comfort.
Focus on the good memories, too. The wonders of his birth and the little things that only a mother would remember.

You were abused by being told not to express your grief. That was so wrong. His passing is such a strong, raw, bitter, hurt you are carrying, it makes it hard for you to allow anyone to get close to you. You are only shielding yourself on the surface, inside your heart is breaking.

You have to let Cody go. That does not mean stop giving him your thoughts and your love and your prayers, not at all. As I have written you before, we have to give these hurts and these feelings their own space and time, deal with these feelings one by one, grieve, and then go on with the living.

There are just too many things in this life we do not understand...it would take us forever to even try, but some day we will understand.

You are doing the very best you can-and that Dear Lady is definitely ENOUGH! You are a wonderful caring person! Give yourself some credit. Be at peace with yourself and be kind to yourself.

I know you love your children and make sure they are secure, but who will you allow to love and care for you? It is a vulnerable feeling, I know!!

Let your children be children as long as they can!! Enjoy them!! Laughter is the best medicine for all of you!! Laughter and a whole lot of love!!!

I hope I do not upset you! I am just a mere mortal woman myself, filled with wants, needs, and hurts, too.....We are all one spirit! We can all help each other to be whole, again!

I am sincere! I try my best to say what I mean. Right now, I am crying so I can't see.

My wish for you Dear Lady for this Christmas Season is a lot of love, hugs, and laughter.
Hot cocoa with marshmellows and some good much needed sleep (with visions of sugar plums
dancing in your head)..

Much love,

Sam

[anirbas]

Sams...Beautiful, uplifting words...And I've got something to say too, S'fir...
But, first I wish to thank you for sharing your S'fir land realities with us...
Next, I have to think a minute, about how I wish to preface what I wish to say
to you...As like Sam, by the time I finished reading your post, I'm bawling buckets
of tears...And I can't see the computer screen right now...I need to compose myself,
first...What I need to say at this moment is this...STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!
Drat...Do I have to fly to Ozland to say that? Wish I could win the lotto...I'd make plans
to spend the next year, flying from here to there, meeting and touching each and everyone of you in person...Aren't you glad, I've not won the lotto yet? As yes, when I visit, I do expect a chocolate on my bedpillow and to be highly entertained...Not...But, I wish I could take a trip to Souland, right now...Ooh, even better, if I could drag Sam in tow...My goodness, we "old" broads would have you giggling and laughing in no time, filling your head with anecdotes
but not any shoats...means baby pigs...We wouldn't put any pigs in your head...LOL...
I'll be back....Sabrina.

[anirbas]

Soul,

Hmmmmmm....Ladyfriend...First I'm going to say...Stop that, girl!
Stop being your own abuser and victim...Stop beating yourself up for it all...As Sam said and I reiterate...You've got to let it go...
Or in psycho babble speak...Give yourself permission to let it all go...And then do it...Be your own best parent...Or, let me put it like this...If you saw one of your children doing this to themselves, you would stop them, wouldn't you? Or find a way to
help them stop beating themselves up, yes? You have to visualize yourself as one of your own children...Be your own best parent...The parent, kids like us, never had...Yeah, I had and have one of those drunken, cruel Joan Crawford mom's, too...I knew I recognized you...Littersibling of my soul...

You have been through some extremely heart, mind and spirit altering and blowing moments, in the past several years, as a woman. Females have a tendancy to break in some way, shape or fashion, when we lose our children...Even though we may not appear "broken", outwardly to the world. Blessing or cursing,
our species is hardwired to nurture...It is entrenched within our very nature...

You've not only been dealt a mental and emotional soul
crippling and crushing blow, with the loss of one child
to through death; the encore for you, was to eventually
"lose" your other two children, too, at a later date.

That's a lot to happen to a woman in a span
of what seven, or so, years?

You've got to stop blaming yourself for these things. As Sam, said...You've got to let it all go...Not just speak those words...
You must make a conscious effort inside of yourself, to work to let these things go...And then, let them go...But, first, you have to give yourself permission, to let them go...And as your own best parent, you must do that for yourself...

You will never forget Kody and I'm not going to tell you, you will.
Nor that the pain of his loss is going to lessen anytime, soon.
I carried the loss of my three day old daughter in my heart for a very, very long time. You had Kody so much longer than I had Ashley, in this dimension, so I can only imagine the greater pain losing him, has put you through...

But, eventually, over the years, the pain does start to abate.
And Kody, would want you happy, healed...Able to feel joy, again...I know how you feel right now...Numb...Without joy or hope on the horizon...But, that is largely an inner perception...Only you can tinker with your innards and change the view around you, or some such nir rot...

As for losing your children through divorce...Okay, that's hard.
Let's try to look at the pros and cons, of this...

The drawback to the sexual equality my mother's generation
worked so hard to procure for our species, in the sixties and seventies, is such as this...Men got smarter by the eighties...
And those with an equal interest in their children as the mother,
figured out this sexual equality thing, could work for them, too...

Before the eighties, men rarely got the lionshare of custody with the children in any divorce, no matter how rich they might be, without a valid excuse as to why the mother in question wasn't "fit" to raise the children, on her own...i.e., because of alcoholism or other drug dependancy issues; or proof of mental instability, that could or had, in some cases, proved harmful to the children.

Times changed after the eighties. More and more fathers, started suing for custody of their children. And were able to get their kids...As in an effort to be nonprejudicial concerning the sex of a parent and that having any validity in the parent's parenting skills...Now, courts tend to award children to the more financially stable parent, these days. I'm assuming, this is probably the case for you, as well.

Okay, the good thing, the pro about your situation with your ex,
is this--either way, the children went to a good parent. Of course, I'm assuming he's the good parent type of man.
For if you can prove even if financially he's the more stable of the two, he's abusive to the children, usually the courts take that into consideration. I'm assuming, once more, he's a good parent.

Which isn't to say you aren't, or weren't...You got caught in the system and the maw of the law and following it to the letter...

Okay, I digress...Where was I?

The pros...You know he loves them, as much as you.
You know they have a decent roof over their head.
You know he is financially able to care for them.
You know, if he isn't mentally, emotionally, or physically
abusive to the children, the children's relationship
to their father, is a decent to good one.
And it is better the children were kept together,
rather than Nerissa being with you, and Shaun
being with their father.

The cons of this situation, is you feel and rightfully so,
that you have lost them...And yet, you havn't, darling...
With you not being the primary custody parent...
It kind of has it's own silver lining, from what I've heard...
You become the parent, that as they grow, becomes
their friend, as well...Something he can't be to them...

When they are with you, make it a fun time, even if all you're doing is hanging out around the house and chilling. Work
towards making both of them realize, they can talk to you
about anything, without the parental judgement and rebellion
problem. You cannot be an informant to your ex, but in this capacity, you can give him a head's up when the kids have issues that might not be discussing with him.

And you must allow all three of you, when you are together, to get on with life without discussing Kody or his death all the time.
This may sound harsh, but Kody has left this dimension. And Kody would want you to make this move. As these kids have got to be allowed to forget they had a brother that died, and they have two parents, that are now seperated. Make them realize, this is a physical seperation...That you are both still united in your efforts to care for and see that they get the best of life possible...

Does all this make sense, or am I babbling away from the corners
of near left field, again?

You've got a lot to deal with...You've got to allow yourself to let go and heal...And you've got to show these two precious babies how to let go and heal at the same time...

But, first, you have to start with Mommy. And make no mistake, madam, you are still these children's mother, whether they live with you, or not. I'm assuming you have some type of partial custody of them, weekends and such. Leave all the serious parenting to Daddy...So he get's the natural rebellion kids put us through...You be the fun parent...The best friend parent...
This doesn't mean you let them get away with stuff when they are at your house or spoil them rotten. Not being the core parent, as in the one that has the most time with the kids, frees you up to be the "fun" parent...

Jeepers, lady...I wish I could tell you an easy answer...But, truth is, there aren't any...But, as you heal and help them to heal, you will start to see and feel joy and happiness in your life again, one step, one moment at a time.

You've got a lot of living ahead of you, lady. And several more years, to be in their lives, before they hit a certain age, and decide ex-hubby is bonkers and flit out of his nest, on their own...Could be, the first nest they land in, after asserting their independance from their "core" parent, as kids always do...Could be the first nest they land in, is yours...

I'm also assuming, the loss of Kody precipitated the seperation of you and your ex-spouse. Actually, don't beat yourself up about that either...It's the status quo for that to happen, not the rarity.
Mostly, because neither parent can look at the other, without reliving, seeing, feeling the pain of losing a child...It seems easier to "heal" alone...Men, are often the ones, to precipitate these seperations, mostly in an effort to abate their own pain. As adverse, as it may seem, it's natural for this to happen.
Some couples make it through this type of loss. But, they will tell you, if they are honest about it, for a few to several years afterwards, it was touch and go, as to whether they would make it...

But, these children are going to need both of their parents, in the years to come...So, bottom line is, they deserve the best mom you can be to them, no matter the circumstances. And you can't be your best parent, or theirs, until you let go and give yourself permission to let go of all this unmitigated guilt you feel...

Which reminds me...Quit beating yourself up over the emotions you felt while carrying Nerissa...It has not been proven a mother's emotional state causes a child to be born a certain way, such as sad...She's sad, because she knows she had a brother she lost she would have loved as much as she loves Shaun...And because she feels she's "lost" her parents, as they seperated.

It's up to you and the ex, to show her, otherwise...That "seperated" parents, are not lost parents...

God, girl...I wish you blessings and all the luck you can get,
in dealing with these issues...Cause like I said...

You've been dealt a hell of a blow for a woman, in the past several years. Just hang in there...And dare to say, I'm going to give myself permission, to let go, this minute...You may have to say it alot...But, keep saying it...And keep doing it...

And hey, when you need to...You know, Sam and I are here...
We may not have bodies with working arms, in this "dimension", per se...But, we can hug you to us with our hearts, minds and spirits...

Besides, you need to enjoy them now...As once they hit teenagerdom...God forbid either of them, should take you down the road, my Jason has...And leave you feeling like you had to bury your child alive...As there was nothing you could do to stop him from running in front of the train of himself...Someday, I'll share that nightmare with you...But, probably in pm's or e-mails...
It's a bloody, ugly story...But, no...He didn't murder anyone...Not yet, at least...

So, enjoy them now...Free yourself to enjoy them now...
As once the hormones start jumping, you can only hope
what you taught them, stuck somewhere in their minds...
As once they start growing hair in strange places and boobs...
It's then, they decide they are grown...And start telling you so...

But, Sam's right, too, on that case...All our kids drive us crazy...It's their job......LOL...

Just take care, sweets...And start looking for the pros and the good stuff about every situation...The bad is always going to be there...But, the good stuff is only there, when we open our eyes and actually see it...Or, did I just go near left field, again?

(((((((((Soulfir)))))))))



*Drat...What a longwinded dame I am...*

Blessings don't come from heaven...
Or at least not all of them...
We ourselves, can bless ourselves...
By just deciding...To blessed be...

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things
I cannot change...Courage to change the things
I can...And the wisdom to know the difference"

Darling, you have to accept the things you cannot change...
Cause I know you've got the courage, to change
the things you can...

[soulfir3]

Sam .. Nir .. when I stop bawling like a crazy hormonal woman, I will reply in more depth

All I can say for the moment, is thank you - for all you have said and the support you have given.
Its more than I have ever had and more than I ever expected, from anyone.

Thank you.

xx Soul

[anirbas]

Ah, darlin'...You are not alone...Just remember that...It's the internet age...Sam, me and the rest of the girls, are just a click away if you need us. Well, I'll be out of circulation for a couple to three days as I've got to go out of town, for Ivy, my mini-me's sake, for Christmas.

Look for the silver linings...They are there...And guess what, talking to you about that, reminded me of that...Sometimes, I forget to open my eyes to the good stuff around me, too...

I've got Ivy and a man with a beautiful, talented, loving soul to love me...As much as I love them...And I'm going to enjoy those two, to the utmost of my ability...Kind of got dragged down with all of Jason's machinations these past five months...But, I think I'm coming out of it...

Okie dokie...Ivy is standing her head waiting for me to get me bum out to the truck, so off I go...

Take care, tell the crew Nir said Merry Christmas and I'll be baaaaaa-ck...

Love, hugs and blessings, Sabrina.

[DavidMc]

Hey, Sabrina .... I just have say ... YOU ARE AWESOME!

Love, David

[anirbas]

Oh...Oh, David...I didn't know you'd been here...Thank you...
Now, you've blown my mind...How am I to write, much less think in here, as I read, now...ggglgggl...

Love, Sabrina