Add-a-Poem

[aims]

Opposite corners of the endless universe,
that is the case regarding what I want
and what I can have.
This is one of those times I wish my heart
listened to my mind!!
perhaps it could, then,
be persuaded to hit the kill switch on this
intense yearning for a woman that I cannot have,
better yet I could just forget about ever wanting anyone.
I might as well I haven't felt like this. . .
so intense and so potent an attraction in 40 years,
40 years from now I'll be 96. . . no point then!!

[phantasm]

There's no point then, so it seems
Just another day
The drumbeat of life marches us ever forward
Again and again
So many voices and opinions promulgating  their opinions
concerning what this life is all about
I just want to live

And figure out my life as best I can

[aims]

I just want to live,
And figure out my life as best I can
but life keeps me scratching my head!
why I can't stop dreaming of a married straight woman in bed!
I wish these feelings dead,
because they are a hunger that will never be fed.

[aims]

A hunger that will never be fed,
keeps me restless at night in my bed
does a number on my head
the one thing it doesn't do is fill me with dread
because the reality already bleeds black. . .
nothingness and lack
a limbo land where my heart is not free
but is desperately alone
and no-one can help with this I am on my own.

[aims]

No-one can help with this I am on my own,
who knows how the seeds of desire originally get sown
love is not there until it is known
but this. . .
it happens in the twinkle of an eye
as for me, I still cannot pinpoint just exactly why,
because as far as I know, I could find
someone with a similar face, a similar voice, and similar self-expression
and they may make no particular impression
it's you, it's you, it's specifically you. . .
this I can say is definitely true
but why not someone similar, I haven't a clue?!

[phantasm]

I haven't a clue why we're all here
Do you?

Yet I do not envy the hyper-religious in their certitude
For I have seen its' effects
I'd rather have some measure of intellectual uncertainty
There is freedom in the words, "I don't know"
It's the impetus to go searching
People who think they know everything worth knowing sit on their asses,
Smug in their imagined omniscience
I hope I will never give up the yearning and longing for more knowledge and understanding

I'm a heretic and I don't care.

[aims]

I'm a heretic and I don't care.
The truth is here
the truth is there
there are pieces of it everywhere!
I refuse to be confined
or have my quest for knowledge undermined!
It's in the Tao
it's in the Zen
it's in christianity,
now and then!
The Guru's know it
the sufi's too
and hindu gods
to name a few!
of the numerous places
and different faces
from full on lamplight
to sparkling sprinkles
wherever there's truth
it fairly twinkles.

[aims]

Wherever there's truth
it fairly twinkles,
well, not when it's stuff like
Trump and his golden shower sprinkles
or terror, or murder, or rape. . .
but those things,
they happen it's true
they are facts. . .
about which we should never turn our backs,
but I was speaking of Truths,
something ageless, and intangible
something that's more spiritual
more wisdom
things that never change
even when the circumstances rearrange.

[phantasm]

Things never change even when the circumstances rearrange.
Evanescent solidity can be a bitch.
When things change, they remain constant.
No matter what, existence persists, irregardless of what we do.
The planet will still be here, no matter what we do to it.
Fluctuations are limited by the steady state that preceded them.

And yet, real change has come into our world, wild, unruly, turning everything topsy-turvy
Regimes are overthrown on a daily basis around here.

The question is, who's next to take a fall?

[anirbas]

Take a fall they said
It will only hurt a bit
Take one for the team
Fall on your sword in silence
I rarely follow orders
Lucky for this child
I wasn't born to save face
Yours theirs or my own
I will not be a victim
I am no ones sacrifice

[aims]

I am no ones sacrifice
but I would be her love slave!
no need for sacrifice
no one to save
just a little time off
controlling how I behave!
but the univerese always saves me from getting what I want!
when it comes to the big picture
I'm an idiot question mark on the savant!!!

[aims]

I'm an idiot question mark on the savant!!!
at least I am if I am in control of who I want.
Thankfully that is not the case
as it is like "BAM" the moment I see her face
and "BAM" again when I her voice
and when I see how her personality comes across
it's "BAM" a third time I have no choice.

[phantasm]

"I have no choice," they say, they screech, they complain
As time carries them downstream.
Every moment before this moment has led them to the point they are now.
Our lives zig-zag and careen
towards who-knows-what.

There is a world of things we want that we cannot have.
We all face constraints.
The question is, "Do you have a strong sense of autonomy?"
Do you feel like you have agency over your own life?
Or do you feel totally overwhelmed by the forces that surround you?

Our choices are framed by our wants.
Our frame of mind limits our field of vision.

We all have power, we all have choice
But what do you normally choose?
What things do you want to hold on to?
What can you afford to lose?

Change the kinds of choices you make, change your life.

So.......... where do you want to go?

[aims]

"So.......... where do you want to go?"
"To collect my winnings, of course!"
only first I have to win!!!
I choose to buy a ticket. . .
it's the only way, you know!
I have no choice or luck in Love,
as the thought of allowing anyone,
other than someone I truly want to touch me,
plain grosses me out,
but I can work and do my best
and buy my ticket. . .
and pray.

[aims]

Pray. . .
there is way more that one way to do this!
Firstly, there is to whom a prayer is offered,
if to "someone"!! a prayer could just be offereing your
energies to a collective idea or individually to the universal pool
it can be beseeching
but this is,
in my humble opinion,
already coming from a place of fear of defeat,
which does not mean I do not sometimes go there anyway.
Or it can be an affirmation
an opportunity to flex the muscles of faith.
A prayer can be offered using
prescribed format
or in the form of a dialog with the
powers one wishes to engage,
whether that be a deity
or a force of collective will.
Again, in my humble opinion,
a prayer should be a contribution to the good
or a request for a hand to pull one into alignment with such. . .
never a call to destructive ends.

[aims]

Destructive ends
are the festerings
of charred burning heart beginnings
seething twisted anger
seeps into the world
from disfigured souls
manifesting in the
physical realm
as horrific acts
of senseless violence
and saddest of all
is is the damaged
insane psyche
that saw those acts
as called for. . .
as appropriate,
which is
as far from the truth
as east is from west.

[aims]

"As far from the truth
as east is from west",
we all understand the intended meaning in such a statement
but the truth is that on a round ball
such as we live on
East and West
are like bedfellows
sleeping back to back,
cheek to cheek.

[phantasm]

cheek to cheek, we're arranged,
shoulder to shoulder we dwell with each other.
We see each other on a regular basis,
yet we scarcely know one another.
We're polite, down to a 'T.'
And sometimes I wonder,
do we abuse the notion of "politeness" to keep others at arm's length?

Physically, we've never been closer.
Ideologically, we've never been further apart.
What will it take for us to accept each other as we are?


I wonder-- will the Christmas season bring out the best of us this year?

[aims]

This year
almost over
it certainly has been. . .
no roll in the clover.
So I pin my hopes on the year to come
but some hopes are beyond either one.
Love doesn't love me
it never will
but even it's absence cannot kill
a mother determined to be here for her child
my determination to survive cannot be described as ever mild.

[aims]

Mild,
meekly, sweetly, I smiled
I cannot tell you you drive me wild, . . .
you wouldn't want to know,
would you?
To capture your heart,
there is nothing I can do.

[aims]

There is nothing I can do
to effectively woo
the woman for whom I would do. . .
just about anything!

[phantasm]

Just about anything is possible
The question is, what is probable?
Chances come down the pike. They come and go.

The Lords of Order and the Agents of Chaos had a conference in a hotel
They got it on and made a bunch of babies
That's when Chance was born

The question is, are you willing to gamble?

[aims]

The question is, are you willing to gamble?
and the answer is. . .
I would gamble on an uncertain future
to be with the woman I adore
but I will not gamble on whether or not it would be safe to let her know how I feel
because if I was wrong and I alienated her,
I would hate myself for it.

[aims]

I would hate myself for it,
if she knew of my love for her
and it were a source of discomfort for her
something she wanted to distance herself from
it is for this reason
I keep my distance
trying to content myself with seeing her beautiful face on social media
instead of seeking the infusion of joy that is seeing her in person
and I replay in my mind past conversations
keeping the memory of the sound of her voice alive to me.
The sight of her face,
it is like food for the starving
and the sound of her voice,
it is like a cool drink of water. . .
for someone parched and dying of thirst!
I wish there were some evidence
that indicated that
who she would love
is not strictly defined. . .as in gender,
but I do not have any indicators to that,
I have only facts that lend themselves
to the conclusion that her love, her attractions
are strictly hetero in nature.
So I am condemned to silence,
because I could not bear
for my love to be something negative to her.

[aims]

Her face is what beautiful is to me
her voice is eargasmic,
her smile lights the wick of my heart
it burns bright on the fuel of my love,
her just being her in my presence. . .
is to experience falling in love all over again.
I wish she felt that way too because,
our love would kick ass!!
But, now, it's been a while since I have seen her in the flesh
and I am filled with aching longings
like an addicts withdrawels.
I am praying God graces me with an encounter soon,
no matter the cost,
and there is a cost,
everytime I see her I want her more,and
not being able to have her,
is painful,
it is rather a damned if you do (see her)
damned if you don't kind of situation!

[aims]

". . .damned if you do
damned if you don't kind of situation",
life is too full of them!
In fact life is rarely cut and dried
rarely black and white,
rarely morning and night
not always even clear fight or flight.
Life is a mixed bag
and every choice or decision we make,
even the right ones often contain
at least one undesired ripple in the pond of life!

[aims]

One undesired ripple in the pond of life
and so untold is the damage,
how many ripples will succeed it how far out will it reach?
These are things we cannot know in this life
but letting things like that fill us with trepidation will cripple
will suffocate
will snuff out. . .
everything we have going forward!
By all means, look before you leap,
but do leap;
because either you are having this adventure that we call life. . .
or you are not,
and if you are not,
you render your existence meaningless.

[Deleted]

Existence is meaningless rendering
Of shapes and colors, pixels loading endlessly
My life has no purpose, and still I walk
Searching for something to guide my way. 

Really, I'll take anything. 
A helpful NPC. Maybe a villain programmed into the game. 
But right now, there's nothing. They've all gone away
Leaving me to walk on and fend for myself.

Where'd they all go? Were they deleted?
How come all that loads is trees and grass?
How come I'm still walking on this empty path?
Am I even moving? Or is it all an illusion?

I try to look for answers, but it's all the same.
Tree after tree, there isn't a change. 
All identical; whoever made this game
was too lazy to make them anything but the same. 

Maybe that's it, then.
I'm the same too.
The same as the trees, and the sky's eternal blue.
I wasn't meant to change. I was doomed from creation.
I'll walk on forever inside this Playstation. 

I look down at my hands, but I never had any.
I'm just a default camera locked in an infinite loop.
My memories are fake; they were programmed into me.
I have no body, no past, no future. 

[aims]

No past, no future,
there is only now. . .
once upon a time,
the past was a now,
a moment from now the future will be!
The point though,
which is doomed to be by and large,
but not completely,
beyond our grasp,
is that when your mind is stuck on what has already been,
or what may or may not ever be. . .
you miss what actually is this moment,
and,
as guilty as I am of the same,
I assure you,
that someday when we reach the end of the road. . .
we will wish that we had not.

[Deleted]

I wish I had not looked
for pieces of broken pasts.
I wish I had not seen
the pieces that I found.
I wish I hadn't been 
so obsessed and blind 
As to interperet them 
To be things they were not. 

I wish that I had been 
Not so dang naïve 
I wish that I had seen
All the big red flags 
If only I'd have learned 
My lessons a bit sooner, 
then I wouldn't be
here.


Here.
Here.
Where is here? 
Here is where the sun goes down, 
here is where I sleep.
Here is where the world grows cold; 
here is where I cry.
Here is where no crickets chirp, 
nor any animal howl 
Here the world is silent. 
Here is where I die.