Something off my chest...hehehe

[wistfuldragon]

I suppose I should give "them" credit...because without the forced identity I would never know I wasn't meant to be what they made me into...so yes...I owe "them" credit for making me see exactly what I am not...and for giving me a reason to fight for what I was meant to be...

Dear friend/sister Peg...growing up is an everyday thing for me...awakenings always hit me upside my head...just ask my bby sis...the struggles have always had a purpose...I know that I am good with it...yet at times (like everyone else) I am left asking why?...why? so rough...why? so tough...why? so flippin painful...

one answer comes...stuborn me...has to learn the hard way...

thanks for the read and comments...it means a great deal...

[DavidMc]

Really enjoying this blog Mish

David

[wistfuldragon]

Thanks Sir David...though I must admit I feel as though I am only rambling of nothing very important to anyone else...then one of my *family* pops in and lets me know someone cares...

[wistfuldragon]

I am done here in So' Cali' enjoying my family and the summer like weather...funny thing is everyone here says it's cold...I respond by telling them they should go home with me back to the mountains and then they'd really be cold...

My life has taken so many different turns...at times even I have a hard time following it...my mom...(spirit keep her)...moved us all over the U.S.A when I was growing up...at one point it was six different schools in a year...confusing for a child yet exciting...also she was somewhat like a spiritual healer...she collected people like most people collect nicknacks...this was also hard to understand for a child...even a bright one...I really didn't start losing brains cells till I got older...so I was smarter then than I am now...lol...no really I was...

She had this towel that stayed on the kitchen table every where we lived...on the table...in every kitchen...for all to use...and they did...I swear she could have had Death crying about his regrets if he had shown up...she was that good...yeah...Death crying into his coffee...holding onto his scythe like a forgotten teddy bear from his youth...yeppers...that was mom...she was gifted...

If I sound funny about it...it is only because I was jealous...it took me 25 years to figure that out...jealous of all those who sought her out...who needed her...because so did I...she loved us...us kids...I know that but she loved people...all people...and she needed to help as many as came to her for it...and I love her for that...even when I think about the time I didn't have with her because of them...

I started taking care of her when I was 10 years old...becoming the parent to my parent...it was difficult but it was who I needed to be...she needed me...and I her...over the years her illness just kept getting worse with limited spurts of okay-ness mixed in to liven things up...though those times were rare...she was a test rabbit for every new drug or treatment for her illness...these things at times were worse than her illness...(the cure worse than the sickness)...yeah that was it...even spent a horrible two months taking care of her after getting gold (real gold) injections into her joints...supposedly to coat them against damage...it didn't work and it hurt her like hell....

She taught me much about life...people...the country we called home and the world in large...yet she couldn't teach me to be completely like her...she was loving...caring...compassionate...she listened to people...really heard them...and through that helped them face their own demons...yet she could never let her own go...they danced inside her all her life...regrets...mistakes...lost loves...misadventures...all...till the last...

She was a true woman...always with the make-up...hair done...nails painted...the whole bit...and let me tell you she was a stunner when she wanted to be...I saw many people *Fall in love* with Patricia...yet I know she spent the later parts of her life without someone to love...someone she could call her own...I know she dreamed of having just one more *great love* but her body had given up on that...but her heart never did...

We were so different in those years...she was beauty and light...love and hope...things the illness could not take form her...

I was anger and darkness...fear and loathing...everything the events in my life taught me to be...all the illness took from me...

Some of my family say and have said all my life...

"You're just like mom!" a slant...an insult...a dirty thing...

I would and do still respond...

"I could only hope to be half the woman and person she was!"

and...

"Thank you...I keep trying to find her strength in myself!"

To be like her...never a slant...never an insult...nothing dirty about it...and something I doubt I will ever be...not as great as she...ever...

Through out my life with her...she believed in me...in everything I did with my writing...she wanted me to follow those dreams to have in my life what she was denied in hers...the freedom to be who I was meant to be...most of the time I feel I have let her down...hurt the memory of us for not working harder to find who I really was/am...somehow I know she is watching and she is still believing...still pushing me onward and upward...I know that...

In that weak...frail...ill body lived a mind more powerful than I have seen in anyone else again...breathed a talent for creative vices that have no equal as of yet...a heart that loved beyond the limits of most...cared for the whole of humanity...all this and she was simply denied...her body gave up the fight the rest of her never did...

For that reason...in this time of my life...I know I've no choice than to fight for everything I want...I must not let her belief in me be in vain...I must not forget the lessons she taught me...

The day she died...left this life to move unto the next...a part of me died a most painful death...though now I find it has re-birthed itself...courage has come at last...

What I do now...in this strange lovely life of mine...is for all of them...the ones I love...the ones who believed in me...the ones who didn't/don't...and for the one who I never gave a shit about before...myself...

Thank you Mom...I love you...and miss you so f*&^ing much...I hope here in the near future you will see the woman you always knew I would be...as do I hope I see her looking back at me in the mirror...I pray I make you proud...as I pray I see you again though I have to tell you...it won't be for awhile yet...I've a lot to do before then Lady Love...

*Give them hell in Starfleet...*

[wistfuldragon]

My son...blows his momma away at times...

He has grown taller...thinned out...cut his once long hair...and looks so mature I have a hard time knowing he is only 14 almost 15 yrs old...

He plays two types of sax's...plays the base guitar and the elec' guitar...writes stories...writes songs...gets hella good grades and respects girls of his age and woman of mine...he flippin' amazes me with all he is becoming...

All this and he is my baby boy...wow...I guess between him and his older sister I did something right to have kid's like them...

**We have spent the last two and 1/2 years a part from one another...there has been loads of pains...upsets...letdowns and loads of love...yet I can't help feeling I am missing some of his most important years of growth...all because his mom couldn't take anymore crap thrown at her and she had a breakdown...and then there is my daughter and grandson...I have missed just as much time with them as with him...the fact that they still know how much I love them blows my mind...and the fact that neither hate me for falling apart on them...losing the family core that we were for the most of their lives till that point...yeah...wow...they love me still...thank the powers that be for that...**

Okay...I am rambling...but I can't seem to stop myself...it's hard to keep it all in at times...feels like I'll explode...and trust me I do not want to do that again...ever...

***sorry all if this is too over the top...***

[anirbas]

There are a few constants in life, we can always count on--taxes; the rising price of gasoline and milk; and that our children will grow up whether we are ready for them to do so, or not.

Wow! Two types of saxophones, bass and electric guitar! Way to go! You gave birth to a musician; along with an artist in your daughter.

We don't plan nervous breakdowns...They just happen...But, there is always a trigger pulled somewhere in our lives, before the sound of the gun going off...Yes?

I think back on the dark period of my life when I reached a point I couldn't handle, anymore...
And still find myself, very surprised, I made it back from that place...No disgrace in breaking down...Happens to the best, the strongest of us...It is in the metaphorical walk back from the darkness, to the lightness within ourselves, that we regain our will to live...To pick up the shattered pieces of us, no matter what blew us skyhigh mentally, emotionally and spiritually
and to fit all the jagged pieces into a different picture of us...Or some such near rot and polyglot...

At least, you can be proud of both of your children...And that, is a very, very good thing...
A blessing from the universe, God, the Powers That Be; whomever is on call up there at any given time...

No need for apologizing...David and I put our heads together and started this board, as blogging seems to be a popular, modern day way of emptying one's heads and hearts of the overload material in a constructive, non-violent manner...Or just yakking about the day's little occurences...

[wistfuldragon]

Thank you dear litter-sib...knowing you read and replied means a great deal...and yes...I am coming to understand more that I am not alone in the *breakdown* department...

Again dear one thank you...truly...

[wistfuldragon]

For the first time in a long time I am afraid...

afraid of whats to come...

of what isn't to come...

and all that stands between them...

mostly...of only thinking I knew what the hell I was doing...not really knowing...

[pegesus]

sometimes i become so engrossed in my own world i fail to see anothers.....yours is so fantastic....so honest....so painful...i read somewhere that growth comes from pain, without it we cant be our fullest possible....if that is so we should be the most grown up women i know. our lives have been so painful for us to sometimes bear, yet we forge ahead and continue to learn...grow...be who we should have been a long time ago....instead we had to experience life at its best and its worst. mishie, you have earned your title of "woman" , wear it with pride. we have all earned that right. no matter what life has dealt us we bounced back and gave it all we could. that in itself is a miracle, a lot of others couldnt deal with what we dealt and go on to the next round. carry yourself with pride, my little dragon, you most certainly have earned it, we all have. thank you for sharing with us a part of you.......we love you, little dragon

[wistfuldragon]

Thank you dear soul sib Peg...it means a great deal...

though I must confess...I am at a loss at this time...for so many reasons...so many...

just wanna say thank you so much...

[pegesus]

i have been there i know...you are so welcome....your courage will help you through the questionable times....just believe in yourself....know you have believers in the sidelines encouraging you on....

[anirbas]

Bump!