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Post by nimbusGLOW on Apr 10, 2008 16:37:50 GMT -6
well well well
let's have some laughter
;D
yessiree
we need some real levity
thus I invite all of you ... my fellow-babies
to add your humor and wit with jokes in any genre
just let any 'censor' try and stop us ... we'll show them.
so let's take the quantum-bounce and post some wild hilarity.
*
*
*
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Post by nimbusGLOW on Apr 10, 2008 16:57:26 GMT -6
COMPUTER DEPENDENCY
the following truly proves
that some have become
much too dependent
on their computers
··· << >> ···
question
··
are you a
Male or Female
··· ?? ···
to find your answer
simply look down
··· ... ... ···
··· ... ···
··· .. ···
··· . ···
···.···
··.··
·.·
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
no no
look down
not
scroll down
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Post by nimbusGLOW on Apr 10, 2008 18:19:00 GMT -6
WATER IN THE CARBURETOR
A new young husband is in the kitchen
making some sandwiches for a picnic-lunch.
His wife walks in ... with a funny look on her face.
She says,
"Um, the car won't start.
There's water in the carburetor."
He stops what he's doing ... yet stands there, staring into thin air.
He says,
"Water in the carburetor ?!
Ha~ha ... that's a good one, Sweetheart."
She steps a little closer to him ... to get his complete attention.
Again, she says,
"Noooo, the car won't start.
I tell you there's water in the carburetor."
With that, he turns toward her ... and now sees the funny look on her face.
He says,
"But Sweetie, you don't even know what a carburetor is.
Alright, I'll check it out ... where's the car ?"
She simply closes her eyes.
Then she says,
"In the swimming-pool."
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Post by anirbas on Apr 10, 2008 19:23:13 GMT -6
I have no earthly idea how in the world my comment ended up under the computer joke...
I must have hit modify instead of quote...I dunno...Me thinks sleepy and tired working mom needs to give up the dratted ghost and head to bed...Quickly...
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Post by Sam on Apr 11, 2008 11:25:41 GMT -6
Miss Beatrice,
the church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister
noticed a
cut-glass bowl
sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
with water,
and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones,
they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the be tter of him
and he could no long resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied,
'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
the Park a few months ago
and I found this little package
on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know
I haven't had the flu
all winter.'
____
Ta Da!!!!!!
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Post by Sam on Apr 11, 2008 15:33:21 GMT -6
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or
> wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next
> time you see a bottle of wine:
>
> Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
> Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of
> the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car
> and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
>
> With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
>
> Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
> with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking
> intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until
> she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.
>
> 'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
>
> Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I
> got it for my husband.'
>
> The Navajo wo man was silent for another moment or two.
>
> Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
>
> 'Good trade.....'
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Post by anirbas on Apr 18, 2008 17:31:58 GMT -6
The Wal-Mart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked
into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities
at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning,
and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there.
Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no they ain't twins.' 'The oldest one's 9 and
the other one's 7. Why the hell would
you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the
greeter. 'I just couldn't believe someone made love to
you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping
at Wal-Mart.'
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Post by anirbas on Apr 18, 2008 17:33:55 GMT -6
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
'What's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'
'I can't see my ass coming into work today.
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Post by Sam on Apr 21, 2008 6:45:40 GMT -6
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Good ones!! Sam  |
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Post by Sam on Apr 22, 2008 11:50:59 GMT -6
2 WOMEN IN HEAVEN
>
> 1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.
>
> 2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
>
> 1st woman : I Froze to Death.
>
> 2nd woman : How Horrible!
>
> 1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
> I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
> What about you?
>
> 2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that
> my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the
> act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
>
> 1st woman: So, what happened?
>
> 2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
> that I started ru nning all over the house looking. I ran up into
> the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went
> through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this
> up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted
> that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
>
> 1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer--- we'd both
> still be alive.
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Post by anirbas on Apr 30, 2008 19:04:05 GMT -6
heheheehehehehehehehehe...majorcacklesnickergigglefest...
"To bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive..."
oh, my stars...roflmao, Sammy!!!!!!! whew...it's good to have a belly laugh before bed...
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Post by Sam on May 6, 2008 11:39:21 GMT -6
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD ??
WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH
BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,
DARK-HAIRED BOY, WITH THE SAME NAME, HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS
SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET
CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED
ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED
FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED FAIRVIEW HIGH
SCHOOL"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A BULLDOG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. "WHEN
DID YOU GRADUATE? " I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, "IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?" ''YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS,
GRAY-HAIRED , DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED: "WHAT DID YOU TEACH? "
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Post by anirbas on May 6, 2008 20:14:11 GMT -6
hahahahaha...oh, my stars! roflm*o...totally...thanks for the laugh, dear lady!
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Post by Sam on May 7, 2008 9:59:55 GMT -6
What Love means to a 4-8 year old
Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
---------------------------------------------
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him cry"
_______________________
The innocence of children! Why do we change?
Sam
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Post by Sam on May 9, 2008 14:23:46 GMT -6
Robot Lie Detector...
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her three times
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Post by nimbusGLOW on May 9, 2008 14:31:44 GMT -6
Absolutely lovely, Sam.
The brilliance of your children-post
lies within the humorous innocence
and pure truth those children share.
They share so delightfully and so freely.
Your jokes above are simply flawless.
My sides are aching now ... laughing so hard.
CHILDREN'S KNOCK-KNOCK
... Two five year-old boys ...
One says,
"Knock-Knock !"
The other replies,
"There's no one home !"
... Two five year-old girls ...
One says,
"Knock-Knock !"
The other replies,
"Come in !"
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Post by Sam on May 20, 2008 7:44:51 GMT -6
Women are..............
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached
her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his
face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond
his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck them gently. 'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'
(Ladies! If you know what I know, say hello!)
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Post by anirbas on May 20, 2008 13:30:23 GMT -6
hehehehehe...hello...
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Post by nimbusGLOW on May 21, 2008 9:50:54 GMT -6
...giggle-fest...
okay
Sam and Sabrina.
what's the deep secret ?
Huh ? C'mon now...fess-up.
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Post by Sam on May 21, 2008 12:15:13 GMT -6
Well, honestly.....It is not really as much a secret, as it is a fact! There is nothing much worse than getting all decked out to go out, arriving at said bar or nightclub, or sometimes even a nice restaurant, going to the ladies room...."then" discovering there is no toilet paper......there you are...stuck on the commode...drip drying...and already getting angry....then after another five minutes you get brave and dash for the laboratory and low and behold there are no paper towels....so....there you are...washing your hands as best as you can....and...again...drip drying....air drying....whatever you can do....and by this time you are stressing out and have to stop and calm down, before you gather whatever composure you have left, and not quite feeling the same way you did when you walked into the ladies room to, as they say, "freshen up" you walk out to rejoin your date as they sit casually drinking a glass of wine and the first thing out of their mouth is "What took you so long. You women." Now...who can think romance after that? I ask you...... Sam P.S. That is just my opinion, anything to add Sabrina? |
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Post by Sam on Jun 11, 2008 11:32:43 GMT -6
Subject: kids and cussing
A 6 year old tells his 4 year old brother 'You know what? I think it's
about time we started cussing.' The 4 year old nods his head in
approval.
'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with
`hell` and you say something with `ass` ok?' The
4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their Mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw hell Mom, guess I'll have some
Cheerios.'
WHACK!!! He flies out of the chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his Mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
She locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay in there until I let
you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios.'
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Post by Sam on Aug 11, 2008 9:55:47 GMT -6
The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took
a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and
was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get
up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That
looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly
went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and
spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed
the flight..
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his
Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This
hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. THE BEST!
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Post by Sam on Aug 13, 2008 11:44:55 GMT -6
NOAH In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
> living in the United States, and said: Once again, the earth
> has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of
> all flesh before me.Build another Ark and save 2 of every
> living thing along with a few good humans.He gave Noah the
> blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark
> before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40
> nights.Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
> weeping in his yard - but no Ark.Noah! He roared, I'm
> about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'Forgive me,
> Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed.I
> needed a building permit.I've been arguing with the
> inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.My neighbors
> claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by
> building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
> limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board
> for a decision.Then the Department of Transportation
> demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving
> power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
> passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that
> the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing
> of it.Getting the wood was another problem. There's a
> ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted
> owl.I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed
> the wood to save the owls - but no go!When I started
> gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They
> insisted that I was confining wild animals against their
> will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive,
> and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a
> confined space.Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build
> the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact
> study on your proposed flood.I'm still trying to resolve
> a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many
> minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
> crew.Immigration and Naturalization is checking the
> green-card status of most of the people who want to work.The
> trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have
> to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.To
> make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming
> I'm trying to leave the country illegally with
> endangered species.So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take
> at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'Suddenly
> the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
> stretched across the sky.Noah looked up in wonder and
> asked,'You mean you're not going to destroy the
> world?''No,' said the Lord.'The government
> beat me to it.'
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