Post by artolmaeus on Jul 2, 2024 23:07:57 GMT -6
I just remembered you, in the best way
before we met, before you had a name
and before I saw myself in the twine with you
so, let me save the moment, the video of that day
it was a movement and a smile from the corner of my eye
as I turned to watch you flow form into the voids around you
the animation of your face is always behind my eyes
I have never felt hope on a molecular level
never just held in stillness and silence
hoping you would never escape the world of my periphery
I know I breathed and I never have since in this way
I was an audience to a frame greater than any technology that will ever be
some dance under the ribs at the base of my arms
such a weightless feeling so rich beyond colour and light
it is if I had in my eyes a full history
of deeply invested love and care
having met into one point trapping time itself
time is wish still would remain frozen
ever contour of your face, I am sure you had a body or feet or hands
I never saw them, couldn't
I knew you were one of the best people in this world
to just have you talk to me, I don't know what you would say
it would not matter as long as you said it
this divine weak, powerless and inescapable feeling
I don't want to die, I don't want to live
I just want to feel this feeling
your eyes, a perfect brown
every track of life marked a hardness overcome by some character, all of it more than beautiful
because the cost of such work was all the more precious
as what remains after trials and a feeling heart leave signs
great, great signs
but what is broken is whole beyond
never seeing anything like you
and yet I saw the hopeful little girl
intact, believing in the most pure of things
and how I felt, I felt the ether of it dissipating from all around me
and how I was wanting, so desperately
yet this life, this light
these are things you cannot take
you cannot possess, damn reality
for you cannot have
and running into an ocean of hope
all I want, wanted, need more than anything
is to be taken, I have no reason for any of it
reason cannot do what feeling can
every time I see your face, I am there
and I still don't know what I am looking at
I have tried to tell you, and you've called me a liar for the words
I ran fast into all of this, loaded with expectation, desire as somehow this awakened something that can only be the soul
and because of you, I know what having one feels like
it is the thing that makes the irrational the most exotic thing
in over ten years, I am only starting
and really, I cannot now or ever
make sense of even one part of it
and every part in this frame
full and rare, I do not understand
and such an ignorance is bliss
and I never have lived but existed
and want it far more strongly with every
twitch of the second hand as it winds down
to some inevitable end where I will have to leave
and it is not some thing to have or to own
how it continues, it continues as a feeling I don't want to end
and I can't do a thing about it
I have no idea and am better for abandoning any attempt
I want you to see it, in me, nothing I could ever do and for this chase
it becomes so large there Is no room left to keep it safely
so it must pour out of me like a never ending rainstorm
all the unfed hungers and wants, leashed on the porch
and it runs wildly into the unknown
like the fire that takes the phoenix
out until it's rebirth
death, burial and resurrection
to lead me forever into resolve or acceptance
that state is its own heaven
and all this impossible sense of being
is worth it beyond anything I have thought possible
and I cannot understand one goddamned part of it
miracle, curse or blessing
I will have to surrender it involuntarily
that I have something to lose
well, these things I have ever had
is no thing I could ever have
and how short I come of having a handle on any of this is even all the more
is such a necessity all the while
a cup of the elixir of God
not ever drinkable but there as a reminder
of what the fear of God itself is
and glad that it is there
the most unknowable gift
makes life itself have a purpose
you can never explain
and neither can God
before we met, before you had a name
and before I saw myself in the twine with you
so, let me save the moment, the video of that day
it was a movement and a smile from the corner of my eye
as I turned to watch you flow form into the voids around you
the animation of your face is always behind my eyes
I have never felt hope on a molecular level
never just held in stillness and silence
hoping you would never escape the world of my periphery
I know I breathed and I never have since in this way
I was an audience to a frame greater than any technology that will ever be
some dance under the ribs at the base of my arms
such a weightless feeling so rich beyond colour and light
it is if I had in my eyes a full history
of deeply invested love and care
having met into one point trapping time itself
time is wish still would remain frozen
ever contour of your face, I am sure you had a body or feet or hands
I never saw them, couldn't
I knew you were one of the best people in this world
to just have you talk to me, I don't know what you would say
it would not matter as long as you said it
this divine weak, powerless and inescapable feeling
I don't want to die, I don't want to live
I just want to feel this feeling
your eyes, a perfect brown
every track of life marked a hardness overcome by some character, all of it more than beautiful
because the cost of such work was all the more precious
as what remains after trials and a feeling heart leave signs
great, great signs
but what is broken is whole beyond
never seeing anything like you
and yet I saw the hopeful little girl
intact, believing in the most pure of things
and how I felt, I felt the ether of it dissipating from all around me
and how I was wanting, so desperately
yet this life, this light
these are things you cannot take
you cannot possess, damn reality
for you cannot have
and running into an ocean of hope
all I want, wanted, need more than anything
is to be taken, I have no reason for any of it
reason cannot do what feeling can
every time I see your face, I am there
and I still don't know what I am looking at
I have tried to tell you, and you've called me a liar for the words
I ran fast into all of this, loaded with expectation, desire as somehow this awakened something that can only be the soul
and because of you, I know what having one feels like
it is the thing that makes the irrational the most exotic thing
in over ten years, I am only starting
and really, I cannot now or ever
make sense of even one part of it
and every part in this frame
full and rare, I do not understand
and such an ignorance is bliss
and I never have lived but existed
and want it far more strongly with every
twitch of the second hand as it winds down
to some inevitable end where I will have to leave
and it is not some thing to have or to own
how it continues, it continues as a feeling I don't want to end
and I can't do a thing about it
I have no idea and am better for abandoning any attempt
I want you to see it, in me, nothing I could ever do and for this chase
it becomes so large there Is no room left to keep it safely
so it must pour out of me like a never ending rainstorm
all the unfed hungers and wants, leashed on the porch
and it runs wildly into the unknown
like the fire that takes the phoenix
out until it's rebirth
death, burial and resurrection
to lead me forever into resolve or acceptance
that state is its own heaven
and all this impossible sense of being
is worth it beyond anything I have thought possible
and I cannot understand one goddamned part of it
miracle, curse or blessing
I will have to surrender it involuntarily
that I have something to lose
well, these things I have ever had
is no thing I could ever have
and how short I come of having a handle on any of this is even all the more
is such a necessity all the while
a cup of the elixir of God
not ever drinkable but there as a reminder
of what the fear of God itself is
and glad that it is there
the most unknowable gift
makes life itself have a purpose
you can never explain
and neither can God
