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Post by Sam on Oct 31, 2007 12:21:10 GMT -6
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life- stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it... he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?" . . . and that's when the fight started . . . Sam  |
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Post by anirbas on Oct 31, 2007 15:29:25 GMT -6
roflmao...ggglgggl...this is a joke, right? this really didn't happen, right?
I mean...I just can't imagine you saying that to one of the little people...
but, then again, these days, I'm having a hard time imagining a lot of things...LOL...
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Post by Sam on Nov 1, 2007 14:07:50 GMT -6
She said, "Love me and make it hurt." So....he kissed her and hit her over the head with a brick! Short and sweet!!! Sam  |
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Post by Sam on Nov 1, 2007 14:10:39 GMT -6
HOW CHILDREN SEE THINGS
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
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Post by Sam on Nov 1, 2007 14:12:39 GMT -6
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into
shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
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Post by Sam on Nov 1, 2007 14:17:19 GMT -6
So these 2 cannibals were eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other asks, "Does this taste funny to you?" *Someone better jump in here and save me!!!!! Sam  |
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Post by Sam on Nov 1, 2007 14:19:42 GMT -6
In the Bayou
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.
Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint a dat moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou.
Den he goes back to fishin. A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin wif two more frogs.
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Post by Sam on Nov 1, 2007 14:21:32 GMT -6
One day the Lord came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news."
Adam said, "Well, give me the good news first."
The Lord explained, "I've got two organs for you. One is called the brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate the planet. Eve will be so happy you now have this organ to give her both pleasure and children."
Adam, looking excited, but a bit bewildered, excaimed, "These are surely great gifts! What could possibly be bad news after receiving such wonderful tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam with great sorrow. "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
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Post by Sam on Nov 1, 2007 14:35:58 GMT -6
A man went to see the psychiatrist.
"Doc," he says, "You gotta help me!"
"Yes, yes...vot seems to be ze troubles?"
"Well," he replied, "I keep having these dreams..."
"Yes, yes...vot KIND of dreamz?,questioned the psychiatrist.
"Well," said the patient, "First, I dream I'm a teepee. Then, a wigwam. Then a teepee again, then a wigwam...teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam, back and forth, all night---It's driving me crazy, I'm hardly getting ANY sleep...what's wrong with me?"
"Vell," answered the psychiatrist, "Ordinarily, it vould take many yearz of diagnOziz und treatment; but luckily, I know eggzakly vot ze trouble iz...you are too tense!"
(2 tents, get it?)
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Post by Sam on Nov 1, 2007 14:40:38 GMT -6
The Blonde Year in Review
January? Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows.
March? Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."
April?Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May? Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water wouldn't fit into the little packet.
June? Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July? After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
August? Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September? When asked what the capital of California was: answered"C."
October? Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.
November? Baked a turkey for 4 months because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December? Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
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Post by anirbas on Nov 1, 2007 20:12:22 GMT -6
hehehehehehahahahahahahaggglggglggglsnortcackleggglgggl...
i can't repeat blonde jokes anymore...turns out, brunettes and redheads, aren't any brighter than their fairer haired sisters...Ivy and I locked ourselves out of the apartment the other day when Mom left the keys in the truck ignition...I did that...I turned to her and said, "it's okay...We'll use your set of keys to get into the apartment, grab the spare truck keys and voila', all is well"...She said, "Mom, I lost my house key. I don't know where it is..."
We had to cell my sister to bring the extra key I made her to the apartment, so we could get in to get the truck keys...A redhead, locked the keys in the truck...And a brunette lost her house key...So, we had to call a blonde, to save us........................................
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Post by Sam on Nov 2, 2007 7:27:38 GMT -6
Hey! Stranger things have happened! Effects of the full moon! hee hee Sam |
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Post by anirbas on Sept 10, 2008 11:03:24 GMT -6
~Keep Her, PLEASE!!!!!!!
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph!
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said,
"Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied,
"Sir, have a nice day."
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Post by Sam on Sept 17, 2008 13:33:07 GMT -6
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Post by anirbas on Nov 15, 2008 16:35:11 GMT -6
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
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Post by Sam on Jan 14, 2009 13:07:02 GMT -6
Budget Cuts:
Date: Tuesday, January 13, 2009, 5:48 AM
Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well ascurrent market conditions and the continued decline of the U.S. economy, the"Light at the End of the Tunnel" has been turned off.We apologize for the inconvenience.
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