Why Rant?

[tolteclogic]

Time to clear the air
get a few things
off my chest...
Stone walled for
no good reason
can not get
a new leg
till they release
my medical records
till then i am
crippled by incompetence
forced to endure
substandard craftmanship
would not be able
to even walk
if i had not
taken their first
of five failures
and corrected it myself
there is a knee
hydraulics and a foot
all they had to do
was to reconstruct
a socket...
but against my
expressed wishes
they destroyed
the original
as soon as the
first had been made
what a miserable failure
untested in the field
and now i am stuck
without a leg to stand on
I was told "There comes a
point where you take what
you got or go some place else"
What a great idea - Duke
University Hospital
makes a killer leg
I had been going to
UNC at Chapel Hill
because it is a State
run hospital
only recently
my insurance changed
to cover the cost
of prosthetics
whereas it never
did before
long story short
both facilities are
privately owned
and outsourced
and kept on
not such a
short leash
by the hospitals
so essentially
it has turned
into a war between
two titans while
i'm the one
getting screwed
caught in the middle
this fix that i made
was not meant to be
permanent - i mean
wood putty, auto
bondo, fiber glass
and epoxy... Duke
was so impressed
with how well it fit
they wanted to
duplicate my design
the only problem
is i am terribly
allergic to the epoxy
and must contend
with horrible
bloody hives
the more i wear it
the worse it gets
so i stay off it
as much as i can
crippled on the
backside of nowhere
with only a bicycle
to get around
UNC says they've
fulfilled their end
of the contract
Duke contends
you don't get
paid till you
deliver the goods
meanwhile i keep going
the best i know how
it will be three years
before my insurance
will cover another socket
unless i can get my
medical records
i've made repeated attempts
stone walled at every turn
because if Duke knew the
codes that have already
been used, they could
create a whole new leg
using different codes
from perhaps more
innovative pieces
as yet unrequisitioned

at least this portrait
has been finished

[tolteclogic]

Being dead or invisible
in plain view of sight
isn't really all that bad
how else will we
build character
if we are never challenged
to reach and stretch
beyond ourselves
my assassins
had done their work
quite well - yet i would
not give up the fight
alone in my ivory tower
i had my correspondence
to keep me alive
while all around
every one knew
the very worst of me
was true and i was
not intended to survive

[tolteclogic]

Essence of consciousness
ineffable ungraspable
true sense and
true feeling
real knowledge
the mind of Tao
threshold of the dawn
awakening of the oringinal mind
acquired mentality is silenced

[rrw]

Wow! One heck of a rant! Some times it makes you wanna holler! great driving passion to this...

[anirbas]

at least this portrait
has been finished...

*CONGRATULATIONS, CLEVELAND! WAY TO GO!
And good to know it is "finished in beauty"...
As some of our forefathers were known to say...

Always well defined writing,
but the poem in the second box,
heart wrenching and eloquent! Nir.

[tolteclogic]

Thanks rrw and nir,

got so many irons in the fire hard to keep
track of priorities seems that writing always
comes first then everything else - still some
what in limbo on that inital rant striking a
new plan first of next week looks like yet
another round of pointless mediations

Here is a revised response to the question
how much would a new leg cost?

~*~*~*~*~

Regarding the cost of a new leg:

Though the guys are very secretive at UNC
about medical records and cost of replacement
parts... as near as I can ascertain this current
leg cost as much as good mid size car... about
$22,000 and more than likely the next could
cost considerably more in exploring the remaining
available options... the newest latest technology
can get highly complex with computerized functions
not something i am all that interested in.. just
more things to go wrong and being as active as I
have been in the past chances are it will be in the
shop more often than not... i've snaped off my foot
doing a high bar dismount landing a little to hard
and still had to ride my bicycle 2 miles with only
one foot to get home, i've broken this prosthesis in
half on more than one occasion and always mangaged
to patch it back together myself, once working a
full day with nothing more than paint sticks for
splints and blue tape holding it together until i
could get home and fiberglass it back together etc,
etc,,,. My senior year in highschool while hitch hiking
through Jacksonville Fla. the lower calf essentially
disintegrated into a mass of spinters, however i was
able to mold and insert a lead pipe sleeve inside the
leg, which was then held together by a 4 inch stainless
steel hose clamp - fortunately there was a plumber just
across the road where i was staying more than happy to
loan me the materials. This held up for another two years
with hardly another squeak.

So yea this one could get rather expensive and not sure
how all these so called improvements will affect my
ability to ride a bike. Which, incidently, is how we got
into this whole mess in the first place... a design flaw
in my original socket produced a constant air leak in
what is otherwise suppose to be an airtight suction fit.
Damn frustrating bicycling pushing up hill and your
leg falls off for poor suction - my sole means of trans-
portation since that head on collison totaled my car.
So they're all to eager to build a new one under the
terms of my recently revised insurance plan... which
now leads to the present moment... however i haven't
given up the fight and intend to make certain one way
or another my records which contain these essential
codes will be released... just makes me wonder what
these guys are trying to hide, what they are so affraid
of that we might find out, does make one wonder. Where
as before no such suspicion existed. Sort of reminds me
of the Bush administration.

[tolteclogic]

left my computer on two nights ago
woke up this morning and it
wouldn't boot up - it's happened
before but i always thought it
was because of the cold - put
a night light in the box - but
no more cold weather - so
the computer is getting old
and my present resources
are limited to non-existent
just a heads up should i
fall off the map for a while
perhaps a long... while
that would be the
reason why

[tolteclogic]

I had in mind another poem
expanding this Rant! but
then this came out first
and i left it here instead
for added balance...



daily renewal
producing
understanding
in the midst
of strength
acting strongly
with lucidity,
increasing strength
as illumination increases
open consciousness
undimed
cultivating every
appropriate path
establishing
every virtue
real true practice
strong and lucid
the mind firm
and the will
far reaching
nothing started
fails to develop



"Returning without going anywhere does not come about by
human effort; it appears spontaniously at a given time, and
comes from nature."


in this work liberating
positive energy
it is important
to know
proper timing
action beyond danger
moves according
to the will
gathered medicine is
positive energy
free of negativity
liberated from danger
and difficulty
promptness
brings good fortune
advancing the fire
without delay
dismissing
the human mentality


"But when nature's time has arrived, human exertion is
necessary; one should hasten to set about fostering
positive energy and suppressing negative energy."


"The medicine comes from the southwest - this is the
position of earth."

"If you want to look for the position of earth, is it apart from
the human being?"

"Do you suppose the southwest position of earth is easy
to know?"

I Ching

[tolteclogic]

I am going out riding
reguardless of the
price i wll pay
it is a beautiful day
and all this
pent up energy
needs to be set
to good use
pushing those
pedals once more
into nature
what's the worse
that can happen
blood poison
perhaps
from infection
heat tends to
exacerbate
the itch
and sometimes
you just cann't help it
if it weren't for benidril
i probably wouldn't
sleep at all
at least the
medical records
finally have been
secured
awaiting Duke
to give the word

wish i had those
promised pics
of my recent work
i need to be being
a protrait artist
keep a roof
over my head
pay the phone bill
time to pedal
this old bicycle

[anirbas]

When you have the pics, then we shall see them.
Sounds like you're having a tough time, TL...
Hang in there...May all that you need come to you
with the grace of quick timing, sooner, rather than later...Nir.

[tolteclogic]

Actually, i go back to Duke on Tus. for my
fitting after the casting two weeks ago.
The last time i worked with Duke back in
the 80's, on the third visit i walked out
with a new leg, no questions asked. It
fit perfectly. Typically i have a history
of keeping legs long beyond their,
intended life. The miracle of fiberglass
and epoxy, 4 in' stainless steel hose
clamps, bondo - body putty, etc., etc...
unfortunate about the alergic reactions,
but without the repairs that i've done
myself, i wouldn't have a leg to stand
on quite literally...
So maybe in another couple of weeks
i can look forward to a happy summer.

Hard to believe that it has been forty
years since that car tore my leg off in
1967 . When all things were said and
done - i had never seen so many lawyers
in my life in that room around one long
table - i ended up with $12,000 to go
towards my education and the subsequent
purchase of legs - every couple of years as
i continued to grow out of them. And now
the cost is somewhere around $20,000
for a leg, that won't last two years before
falling completely apart. I guess they call
that progress.
At least now i have insurance that covers
the complete cost of a leg, but only in the
past couple of years has this been possible.
Although i won my claim for disabilty back
in 1992 (representing myself after, no less
than, 3 separate attorneys had flately refused
to take the case, all of them telling me it
couldn't be won... however, i represented
myself and won full disability) i've never
recieved one red cent on disability over the
loss of my leg - (2 in's above the left knee
following 3 amputations.) Anyway, i didn't
have it (My disability) long before working
my way off it, doing high end home repairs -
only to discover i had terminal illness... which
inadvertantly compelled me to be a
writer - against the storm - no more keeping
my head in the sand but speaking out
about injustice as it is related the very real
inquisition following my unintentional
awakening back in 1977 near the end of my
own H.D. Thoreau 'Walden' type of experiment.
Anyway, i've lived pretty much in the margins
ever since, pretending that the whole thing
never happened, while all along my fate is perpetually
being decided behind closed doors - small town
justice making me the proverbial 'bad man'.
It is said that "Anyone foolhardy enough to
proclaim publically an inner alligence with an iden-
tity that no one else believes in is simply asking for
trouble they well deserve for senseless lack of
discretion. In worlds where the majority vote is
otherwise cast the life of such a seeker may
be made very unpleasant. That is only to be
expected."

[anirbas]

"Anyone foolhardy enough to
proclaim publically an inner alligence with an iden-
tity that no one else believes in is simply asking for
trouble they well deserve for senseless lack of
discretion. In worlds where the majority vote is
otherwise cast the life of such a seeker may
be made very unpleasant. That is only to be
expected."


Sadly, this is so very, very true...Especially, in America...
Good to see you hanging out and banging at the keys
with the rest of the gang, T! Sabrina.

[tolteclogic]

Only two weeks ago i couldn't wear
this leg at all, just biking back and
forth to wal-mart every couple of
days for my water to drink... had
gotten to the point where the
hives had turned from bad to worse
seems the ointments had been doing
some good after all and i had just ran
out... I was given doctors oders to stay
off the leg for at least 3 or 4 days...
then on the 4th day i get a much needed
call for work... with a fairly large scale
landscaping operation mulch, planting
and lawn care etc... this week promises
to be rough... if i can only make it to
next week... they might actually have
this new socket readily... that is why
now in all this nice weather i am sticking
close to home... if i have to work for
more than 2 or 3 days in a row there
tends to come a breaking point where
this reaction is hard to reverse and
the stuff they've perscribed is super
strength not meant for regular use
but at least the lights are still on
just made that under the wire...
i can sense something big just
beneath the surface, primal and
immense unpainted images still
born in my dreams... perhaps it
is time i broke out my brushes
or got real serious about writing
a poem...

on the third day my hydraulics
completely failed - forunately
there was an old spare in the
stand up closet... out of two
legs i was able to make one
that holds up pretty well
except for the epoxy i can
not tolerate... break out in hives
everytime... but it's all i got for now

seems that roommate situation has
fallen through probably scared off by
the threat of that wild woman causing
trouble who use to live next door...
there is a book or two i need to write
at least that has been my excuse
for being so comfortable in my aloneness
these past several years...

[DavidMc]

Thanks for sharing these candid glimpses into your life tl

Regards, David.