Post by Sam on Sept 26, 2006 15:36:43 GMT -6
I watched my mother's expression through the rearview window
of her car as my sister drove it out of the driveway. I was riding in the backseat, relieved, as I didn't want my mother to see my heart breaking as my tears fell silently. She was soaking in and absorbing to memory everything she had loved all of her life, knowing in her heart, even then, that she would never return.
As the old farm disappeared from view, it took everything I had inside not to sob out loud, but instead, to quietly ask my sister
to turn up the radio to cover up the silence radiating from us. Christmas carols were playing on the radio and I guess the thought suddenly hit us all that it was in fact Christmas Eve.
I realized in that moment that I had been holding my breath the whole time. It actually hurt to breath, and I was speechless,
afraid to try to speak, less I choke on my words.
After finding out our mother had terminal cancer, my sister and I had flown home to be with our family for the holidays, and fly Mother back to California with us. Our hearts were heavy, and celebrating this holiday was the last thing on this earth I wanted to do.
The weather was crisp and cold and somehow felt fitting to my mood. The snow was just beginning to fall and we had a two hour drive ahead of us to get to my oldest sister's house where we would be staying for the next few days. My sister, Pat, was already showing the strain of driving in this weather, spoiled by her many years in California, but determined to be the one behind the wheel and I was grateful for that strength in her.
When we reached the outskirts of the small town we had all been raised in I couldn't help but notice the decorations around the old court square and hear the bells ringing, kind of a tradition back home that had been going on all of my life and probably my sister's too.
"What about gifts for the children?" I asked rather timidly from the back seat. I saw my mother and sister look at each other before they both turned to look at me and I couldn't help but let my neck slide into my shoulders....."Well, why couldn't we make just a quick stop? I asked.
To my surprise my mother thought it was a great idea and my sister pulled into the first parking spot and we were all out of the car in a flash. We stood there in the falling snow making a small list of the children and then each other and for some reason I can not explain, we all immediately felt the change in each other, looped our arms and hit the stores. It was speed shopping at it's finest!!! Even having the gifts wrapped we were finished and on the road within the hour.
There was a definite change in the aura around us and I even caught myself humming along to the carols playing on the old radio and we talked and laughed as we traveled down the old familiar highway heading further and further away from the place of my birth, ignoring for the moment that things would never again be the same for any of us there.
When we finally arrived at my sister Ann's home, it was with much heart felt relief and gratitude when the doors swung open and our nieces and nephews plowed out the door to greet us all.
They were so excited to see us and to know we were there to join them for Christmas for the first time in their lives, they never even thought about the "whys" connected to our visit. They were dancing for joy while they helped us unload the car, peeping and whispering to each other in excitement about all of the beautifully wrapped gifts. My mother, Pat and I exchanged looks with each other, speaking in the unspoken communication we so often used with one other, and we just surrendered then to the infectious joy of the children and laughing with them we entered into my sister's home.
The house was decorated from top to bottom and in the middle of the living room stood the biggest, most beautiful tree I have ever seen in my life, to this day. The children were busy unpacking the shopping bags and finding the perfect spots under the tree while we hurriedly got out of our coats and made ready for some serious catching up from them.
My sister, Ann, burst through the front door with a big smile and we all hugged each other close. We made idle chatter and after much ado settled down in her cozy living room in front of the fireplace to plan the evening and following day.
I happened to glance at my mother and she was already trying to doze in the recliner, enjoying the warmth from the fire and the chattering going on all around her by her loved ones. I had to smile at her, though my heart was heavy with a pain I have yet to describe, even to myself, after thirty years of being without her.
My brother and his family were due in at anytime. The children were just beside themselves by now, and more excitement to come.
Once we had planned our attack, settled on where we would sleep, and unpacked our bags, we headed for the heart of the home, the kitchen. Soon it came to life with chopping, dicing, slicing, and the rattle of pots and pans blended happily with the conversation and laughter floating into the living room where our Mother lay back resting now, softly smiling in peaceful slumber.
Before long the smells were so intoxicating, filling the house and overflowing to the outside world around us, even a passerby on the road would have slowed down just to inhale them. Fresh baked pecan pies, and coconut cake soon cooled on the counter and the sage filled the room as we worked together blending, mixing, and tasting the dressing, fighting with each other over every added ingredient.
Soon the car horn outside sounded, and again, away to the door
dashed the children, with us close behind, to welcome my brother, Larry, and his family. We all held each other and looked into each other's eyes and just embraced each other, not speaking, just watching the children dancing around us in circles when suddenly we turned and there stood Mother at the door with her sleepy eyes, smiling at all of us in her own special way.
Mother, the tower of strength for all of us, smiling at her family, absorbing the moment and forming her own memory to hold on to in her mind.
I guess in truth, we all did, for it was to be the last Christmas we would share with our Mother and the last Christmas the four of us would ever be together. For many years this tortured me and I came up with excuse after excuse not to go home again, until two years ago.
I was in a bad situation and the upcoming holidays were already beginning their usual depressive head games on me. My sister, Ann, called and invited me to come home for Christmas. I was frightened of the memories, haunted by the last Christmas and gripped with such a sadness in my heart, not knowing what to expect, but I said yes.
From the moment I stepped off of the airplane, my heart melted.
My family!! The kids are all grown now, but great nieces and nephews now run the halls.
The memories were sweet, the smells so familiar, yet the house was much quieter, we ourselves much older, but so much more peaceful. I had an amazing time with all of my family. We laughed, we cried, we told all of the old stories on each other.
We told stories about Mother and Daddy and my brother, Larry. All gone from this earth, but still with us in spirit. My brother's wife and my nephew came to visit and again we reminisced about old, familiar times.
I am going back this year to celebrate Christmas and I am no longer afraid. I am no longer sad. I am going home.
My greatest wish for this Christmas would be for my sister Pat and my brother-in-law, Walter to be there with us.
My family! All of us together, nothing could make me happier.
Sam
of her car as my sister drove it out of the driveway. I was riding in the backseat, relieved, as I didn't want my mother to see my heart breaking as my tears fell silently. She was soaking in and absorbing to memory everything she had loved all of her life, knowing in her heart, even then, that she would never return.
As the old farm disappeared from view, it took everything I had inside not to sob out loud, but instead, to quietly ask my sister
to turn up the radio to cover up the silence radiating from us. Christmas carols were playing on the radio and I guess the thought suddenly hit us all that it was in fact Christmas Eve.
I realized in that moment that I had been holding my breath the whole time. It actually hurt to breath, and I was speechless,
afraid to try to speak, less I choke on my words.
After finding out our mother had terminal cancer, my sister and I had flown home to be with our family for the holidays, and fly Mother back to California with us. Our hearts were heavy, and celebrating this holiday was the last thing on this earth I wanted to do.
The weather was crisp and cold and somehow felt fitting to my mood. The snow was just beginning to fall and we had a two hour drive ahead of us to get to my oldest sister's house where we would be staying for the next few days. My sister, Pat, was already showing the strain of driving in this weather, spoiled by her many years in California, but determined to be the one behind the wheel and I was grateful for that strength in her.
When we reached the outskirts of the small town we had all been raised in I couldn't help but notice the decorations around the old court square and hear the bells ringing, kind of a tradition back home that had been going on all of my life and probably my sister's too.
"What about gifts for the children?" I asked rather timidly from the back seat. I saw my mother and sister look at each other before they both turned to look at me and I couldn't help but let my neck slide into my shoulders....."Well, why couldn't we make just a quick stop? I asked.
To my surprise my mother thought it was a great idea and my sister pulled into the first parking spot and we were all out of the car in a flash. We stood there in the falling snow making a small list of the children and then each other and for some reason I can not explain, we all immediately felt the change in each other, looped our arms and hit the stores. It was speed shopping at it's finest!!! Even having the gifts wrapped we were finished and on the road within the hour.
There was a definite change in the aura around us and I even caught myself humming along to the carols playing on the old radio and we talked and laughed as we traveled down the old familiar highway heading further and further away from the place of my birth, ignoring for the moment that things would never again be the same for any of us there.
When we finally arrived at my sister Ann's home, it was with much heart felt relief and gratitude when the doors swung open and our nieces and nephews plowed out the door to greet us all.
They were so excited to see us and to know we were there to join them for Christmas for the first time in their lives, they never even thought about the "whys" connected to our visit. They were dancing for joy while they helped us unload the car, peeping and whispering to each other in excitement about all of the beautifully wrapped gifts. My mother, Pat and I exchanged looks with each other, speaking in the unspoken communication we so often used with one other, and we just surrendered then to the infectious joy of the children and laughing with them we entered into my sister's home.
The house was decorated from top to bottom and in the middle of the living room stood the biggest, most beautiful tree I have ever seen in my life, to this day. The children were busy unpacking the shopping bags and finding the perfect spots under the tree while we hurriedly got out of our coats and made ready for some serious catching up from them.
My sister, Ann, burst through the front door with a big smile and we all hugged each other close. We made idle chatter and after much ado settled down in her cozy living room in front of the fireplace to plan the evening and following day.
I happened to glance at my mother and she was already trying to doze in the recliner, enjoying the warmth from the fire and the chattering going on all around her by her loved ones. I had to smile at her, though my heart was heavy with a pain I have yet to describe, even to myself, after thirty years of being without her.
My brother and his family were due in at anytime. The children were just beside themselves by now, and more excitement to come.
Once we had planned our attack, settled on where we would sleep, and unpacked our bags, we headed for the heart of the home, the kitchen. Soon it came to life with chopping, dicing, slicing, and the rattle of pots and pans blended happily with the conversation and laughter floating into the living room where our Mother lay back resting now, softly smiling in peaceful slumber.
Before long the smells were so intoxicating, filling the house and overflowing to the outside world around us, even a passerby on the road would have slowed down just to inhale them. Fresh baked pecan pies, and coconut cake soon cooled on the counter and the sage filled the room as we worked together blending, mixing, and tasting the dressing, fighting with each other over every added ingredient.
Soon the car horn outside sounded, and again, away to the door
dashed the children, with us close behind, to welcome my brother, Larry, and his family. We all held each other and looked into each other's eyes and just embraced each other, not speaking, just watching the children dancing around us in circles when suddenly we turned and there stood Mother at the door with her sleepy eyes, smiling at all of us in her own special way.
Mother, the tower of strength for all of us, smiling at her family, absorbing the moment and forming her own memory to hold on to in her mind.
I guess in truth, we all did, for it was to be the last Christmas we would share with our Mother and the last Christmas the four of us would ever be together. For many years this tortured me and I came up with excuse after excuse not to go home again, until two years ago.
I was in a bad situation and the upcoming holidays were already beginning their usual depressive head games on me. My sister, Ann, called and invited me to come home for Christmas. I was frightened of the memories, haunted by the last Christmas and gripped with such a sadness in my heart, not knowing what to expect, but I said yes.
From the moment I stepped off of the airplane, my heart melted.
My family!! The kids are all grown now, but great nieces and nephews now run the halls.
The memories were sweet, the smells so familiar, yet the house was much quieter, we ourselves much older, but so much more peaceful. I had an amazing time with all of my family. We laughed, we cried, we told all of the old stories on each other.
We told stories about Mother and Daddy and my brother, Larry. All gone from this earth, but still with us in spirit. My brother's wife and my nephew came to visit and again we reminisced about old, familiar times.
I am going back this year to celebrate Christmas and I am no longer afraid. I am no longer sad. I am going home.
My greatest wish for this Christmas would be for my sister Pat and my brother-in-law, Walter to be there with us.
My family! All of us together, nothing could make me happier.
Sam
