Maybe I Am Losing It....(?)

[Sam]

I get tired of everyone hounding me, don't you? Every once in a while, don't you want to just tell them to back the hell off?

The not wanted, black sheep syndrome is getting old. I am tired of it. I made a mistake or two in my life, but must I pay for them untitl the day I die? I guess so.

I don't fit in here, I don't fit in there.......I am looking for the place I must belong and it is no where near here.

I let people hurt me. My own family has hurt me more than anyone on this earth. I shut down!! I do not know what to say to them right now, so I do not answer their calls.

I have a new grand daughter, but I haven't been invited down to visit. I was invited down to clean the house for them, but since then, they have been entertaining "guests".

My sister just put it on me last week that I am not going to visit them Christmas, because they can not afford it. (?) All year we have planned this......and she calmly lets me down....

Last week my daughter told me all the plans for Thanksgiving were up in the air....(?) But, Heaven forbid, if I were to make a plan of my own, I would really be ridiculed....So.. here I sit and wait to see what "they" decide....

Can you imagine the giant hole in my heart this morning?

Now, I realize my Precious Lord is the reason for the season, and I will love and honor Him in my own way, but I have basically had the wind knocked out of me.

The longer they go without inviting me up to see the child, the stranger I feel.

The longer I go without speaking to my sister, the colder my heart feels.

I am trapped in isolation today and perhaps falling slightly apart.

Sam

[Sam]

I went for a counseling session over my lunch hour today. (Imagine-me tower of strength, crying like a baby).

I know in my heart something is wrong in Texas, but my sister is not telling me........I fear the worst. I will pray for them, and I will love them, and shine my healing light on them. There is nothing else I can do for now.

I called my daughter and Thanksgiving is back on. No invitation to come visit, but I will leave that alone for now. I sense much babysitting in my future.

"Love is a battlefield"...

Sam

[DavidMc]

Well Sam you fit in here... And belong HERE ;D ;D

David

[anirbas]

"So.. here I sit and wait to see what "they" decide...."

One word...WHY?

[Sam]

Because I fell off of my pedestal years ago.

I am not a "perfect person" nor do I carry a "fat" wallet.

When something needs to be done, they think of me. When entertaining, I never cross their minds....Sometimes, I am glad. They force me to go to things I hate. ha

Sam

[anirbas]

Um, hello...Pedestals were made to be fallen off of...LOL...No one can hold a standing position on top of a skinny rail standing vertically, for long...Okay, maybe some Cirque de Soleil performer could...

Perfect people do not exist and fat wallets are only for those whom are carrying them...
And a fat wallet, doesn't buy happiness...

My "why" was meant to imply why wait for others to decide what you want to do...I know, easier said than done...

And I do understand, how families place roles upon one another, from one "black sheep" to another...It doesn't help when we do things that we know ourselves are wrong for us that add to the labeling frenzy family members are apt to have...

As for your sister in Texas, could be exactly what she says...Money is tight this holiday...But, then again, from one whom often feels things before they are said and/or happen, could be you are right to worry...The thing is, at best esp is a fifty/fifty science...Right when it's right and just wrong when it's wrong...ggglgggl...But, is that not true?

Anyway, try to enjoy the holidays, no matter where you go or what you do and with whom...
And remember, the best company we can have, is ourselves...Or some such near philosophical rot...

[Sam]

I am better today. Thank you guys for being here with me......(you know).

Heartache is coming. She is not ready to tell us, yet, because she is still in denial, herself. Once she says it out loud, and once we all know, then it becomes truth and reality sets in.
(Then I will need you so much). See, I too, am in denial. I can not call her, anymore than she can call me. Understand?

I love you,

Sam

[anirbas]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sharon))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ever near, I and the others will be here, if and as needed...

[Sam]

I called my older sister last night and just came out with my thoughts. She thinks I am on to the truth and we have decided to hold back and wait for her to come to us.

My brother in law, Walt, is a fighter. Instead of focusing my concern on the fear of my sister, I need to be focusing on surrounding him with good healing thoughts and light!!!

Too much darkness in my head this week.

Love to you all.

Sam

[anirbas]

Blessed be, Sammy...Just...Blessed...Be...No matter what...

[Sam]

Perhaps I have been in denial of something......Perhaps they just do not want to go to the trouble of having me this year and the money issue is in fact a problem.

She called and the first thing she asked was "If I was pouting."

I said about what......and said nothing at all.

I would rather have my feelings hurt than have something wrong with them, so all in all, I am ok.

Sam

[anirbas]

Just remember...Clairvoyance is a fifty/fifty science at best...
Right on target when it's right...And just wrong, when it's wrong...
And if money is an issue, it doesn't mean they don't want to go to the trouble of having you...
They just can't afford to this year...Empty wallets happen to the best of us, yes?

If I had the money, I'd send for you, for Christmas, for what that's worth...
Hell, if I had the money, I'd send me to Salford for Kissmas...ggglgggl...
But, I don't have enough work time accrued to get a vacation, yet...
So, if I went to Salford, it would cost me my job, such as it is, right now...

Anyways, got to head out of the halls and make a run to my sister's house
to drop off pies, for tomorrow! Happy Turkey Day, lady and blog on, sister!!!!!

[Sam]

"If I only had a brain"......

I enjoyed my time at home once I got through with turkey day.

I guess Thanksgiving is different for me. I certainly do not celebrate what the white people have done to the Indians or any other people to get where they are today as they continue to "forge ahead"....I have to wonder, what is left at times, but then ....I see my sweet grand children's innocent faces and I know we can never give up.

Thankfully, people are beginning to become aware of their surroundings, and our crooked government. There is hope!


I am thankful for God's neverending love for me.
His continued patience with me as I plow my way home.
My family here and on the other side, no matter how crazy they can make me......and that is both sides....
My friends.....few and far between, but the best!!
My cat for the unconditional love and trust she gives me....
My job (ERRRR)
My apartment
My life (however humble) it is mine.

Sam

[anirbas]

I know that's right...Our jobs, our apartments and our lives, however humble,
are much to be thankful for...I wish I had a cat for Ivy...But, we are in a no pets allowed zone...Oh, we can have birds or fish...But, birds and fish don't purr and don't have silken furr that inspires the nerves to relax when it is stroked...

I agree about the "concept" of Thanksgiving...A friend from far and away, asked me to explain what the holiday was about...I told him it was the day, whites commemorated their fucking of the Native Americans, by first sharing a meal with them and then, cutting their throats...

However, these ancestors that did this, had just come over from Europe...So, does that make the sins committed in this country, of European or American origin?? gggglggggl...
Just an errant thought that escaped my head and landed on the page...

[Sam]

Hmmmm? Does that mean we are all European somehow???

Forging ahead!!! Chapter after chapter of the American History course I took last summer spoke of the vast improvements and the dreams the people had for this country.....Those that did not conform, fit in, or agree to these plans were in the way of progress and had to be cornered, conformed, or eliminated. So......here we are today. Still doing the same thing......only now to other countries that do not conform.

Sad but true.....

[Sam]

Funny how one phone call can change a person's whole perspective in an instant. This morning I was feeling so down and out.....Now, I feel nothing but concern and worry about my granddaughter. They took her to the doctor this morning. She has a little something wrong with her kidneys. (She had it before she was born). My daughter said when they pick her up or touch her little back, she cries as if in pain.

Please pray for her healing.....She is so young and innocent of life and too young to know pain. They are checking her urine today and we will know more tomorrow.

I am suffering from a sinus infection and was down and out, now I feel better and stronger than I have in days...even my vision seems to have cleared. Weird, huh?

Stay with me.....

Sam

[anirbas]

Good for you...Getting to see your grandbabies!

Hope your daughter enjoyed her anniversary evening!!!!

[Sam]

They did not go anywhere because of Ava. I went down to look at her. She does have something wrong, but we won't know until today!! I hope it is nothing seriously wrong. They sure have no patience at 5 weeks.

Sam

[Sam]

Well, Ava's kidneys tested normal. Good news!! She is still cranky and crying, but we now think it is collic or acid reflex. Poor baby!! Amanda is worn out, too.

I have decided to keep an open mind this Christmas and to go with my kids to their father's for Christmas. Why not?

If I stayed home, I was afraid of where my mind might go and if I go with them, I get to spend the day near my children and my grandchildren, so it is a win-win situation.

Sam

[anirbas]

Good, great and glorious news, my friend!!!!!!!

Ivy had two bouts of colic before she was three months old, even though she was breastfed.
I was under the impression, breastfed babies didn't get colic...But, her doctor informed me, wind blowing into them, could give them colic as well...As infants can't handle the extra air, like older kids and adults can...And of course, the two times she had colic, we'd been out on a windy, wintery day and her blanket had blown off her carrier...

It is a frightening time dealing with a colic haunted baby...They scream continuously and there is nothing you can do for them...Their pain is excruciating to both them and the mother...Ivy's first bout, lasted thirty minutes or so...Her second bout, lasted well over an hour...And before it was over, we were both crying...

Open minds are good things...It's a blessing you and your children's father, can be in the same room with one another...I cannot imagine spending Christmas with Ivy's father in the same room...Not because I couldn't deal with it, but because he couldn't deal with it...He is just how he is and since he refuses to see a doctor or accept that he has issues, no one wants to be around him...Even his two mothers...The one that raised him and the one that gave birth to him...Ironic, even though I've left him, both of his mothers and I still have a relationship...They call me and or email me, all the time...Both know I did the best I could with a very strange person that made every situation strange...And like most, wonder that I lived as long as I did with him...

Anyway, I'll be working Xms eve night and Xms night from ten pm to seven am, in the Belly of the Beast...So, this holiday, is kind of up in the air for me...Be glad when December is over and done, and my schedule resumes to seven am to four pm, period...I didn't handle that ten pm to seven am shift to well, Thanksgiving night...It whipped my ass, to put it bluntly...LOL...

And all those shoppers scared the living hell out of me...I'm not a shopper and I've never gone Xms shopping the day after Turkey day...They looked like sharks surrounding the pallet of 42 " flat screen televisions, I was set to protect from four til five am in the morning...I was expecting to see their eyes roll back in their heads at any given moment...I literally felt like a deep sea diver in one of those cages, surrounded by ravenous, pissed off sharks...Except I didn't have a cage to protect me...ggglgggl...At four-forty-five am, I started telling them, when they rushed the pallet at five, they better not hurt me...There were only 24 televisions and about fifty of them...My girlfriend, who was manning, or should I say, womaning the pallet next to mine, told me at one point, I looked like I was freaking out...I was...ggglgggl...I was ready to run for the door and get away from all the crazy shoppers...I felt claustrophobic...

Anyways, rambling away and must now get away and head across the street to the laundromat and throw mine and mini-me's clothes in the dryer...

Love and blessings, Sabrina.

[Sam]

Well, this has been going on with Ava for days and days now. That is frightening all of us.
I told Amanda to drink lots of water and eat nothing spicey or gasey!! (?) I am lost here.
She is much to young for my home remedies! ha

[anirbas]

May sweet Ava's little belly, be blessed with quietness and peace...
So she may be out of pain and her mommy and memaw, be able to rest...

[Sam]

Thank you!

Sam

[pegesus]

thants what we are......the "black sheep" society....tell ya what.....i think i'd rather be the "black sheep" instead of on who always fit in the "round hole" all the time......we are more "stable" then they are for all they say and do.....l personally like being different.....i stand out.....and i suspect so do all of us in the "black sheep" society.....

[Sam]

Yes! I think you just said a mouthful!!!

I like being different, too, most of the time. ha
I especially enjoy it when people mistake different with ignorant.........(?)

Well, her lunch hour is over.....I must log off now....and look at the wall until time to go home.

Love to you all,

Sam

[Sam]

I am finally on line in my own place again. Yeah! I have not said a word to my super. I want her to really enjoy herself.............

She can't touch my happiness..........

So much in life has been good for me, I can not and will not complain any more about her and her pea brain. (Was that a complaint?) Naaaaaa......just a statement!

Later maters!!

Moocheese!!!

sammy

[wistfuldragon]

coolness...this means we will have our Sam more often...big smile on my face and in my heart knowing that...

Hugz Lady Sam and to all my soul sibs

[Sam]

I haven't written in here very often, I just noticed. I either do not have the time, or know what to say. I guess this board is for open people with no hidden secrets.

Life is going well for me. I made a mental note of that this morning as I was walking to the bus stop. Here I am, still standing, if limping a little. I am wearing a tennis shoe today. It is funny how something so little and seemingly insignificant could make your whole day brighter.

It is like a woman wearing new underwear!!! No one knows but you, but you feel special. You know what I mean?

Tonight I am going for Mexican food and margaritas with my friend Linda. Yes, good old Linda and I have patched up our differences. We missed each other. She needs me to clean up her messes and I need her to help me get into mine. ha

She called and needed me to come clean for her. I immediately said yes. I went over one weekend and we had such a good time. It was like the year we didn't speak had never happened. The next week I fell and broke my foot. She has cared for me and invited me over and cooked for me more than anyone else I know would have done. She has been the legs walking to the store and to the library for movies, etc.

I feel we must have a place as friends in each others life cycle.

I still do not like her ex. He still comes by every once in a while to torment her, but not as often. (Thank goodness). See, I do not have the temperment she does. I get angry.....Things happen....

Oh, well. If it has taught me anything, it is that I am ok by myself. (Really) Whenever I feel lonesome, I can just have her call him over, sit there and listen to them yell and scream and fight, and then go home!!! Makes me happy just to think about it. ha

Sam

[anirbas]

New underwear? What's that? hehe...I only buy and wear those,
when David is coming over...

Blogs are for open people with no hidden secrets? I must be a closed person
with lots of secrets as I keep deleting mine...ggglgggl...It's just an experimental
project, anyway. Like you, I can't decide if I'm comfortable with blogging or not...

Good to know your ankle and foot are bettering...Just don't push it to hard, Sammy.

Glad you got out and about to have Mexican dinner and margaritas. Yum!

Cracked up laughing at your last paragraph...So funny, honey!

Catch you around the bend of life, sweets! Sabrina.

[Sam]

Well, last weekend I had a reality check. I will try to put the experience into words for I need to clear my head of it all.

Linda was spending the night and we had eaten dinner and were watching a movie. My neighbor from down stairs, Travis, knocked on my door. I let him in telling him we were at our favorite part of the movie. Shhh! He asked to borrow some money from me and I told him I did not have it.

He went off. Starting screaming and yelling and telling me I was disrespecting him and other things I can not remember clearly yet. Linda was laying on the floor on a pallet and I was kicking back on the couch.

Linda spoke up and told him he was the one being disrespectful to me in my home and he suddenly just went violent. He kicked at her head and called her a bitch! Then he turned on me and called me a bitch also. He pointed his finger in my face and told us not to come out of my front door or he would fuck us up. He slammed my door, went down the stairs yelling and screaming and proceeded to break things and throw things....I was stunned.

I can not explain how I felt. It was such an awful flashback of the terribly violent relationship I had been through 20 years ago, and I felt very vulnerable.

I jumped on the phone to call my neighbor, John, next door, but he wasn't home. As his phone was ringing, his woman knocked at my door, frightened and there we were, three women, feeling very vulnerable.

John rushed home and they went outside to see what damage Travis had done. He saw them and came out with a knife. They hurried back up and John grabbed two baseball bats and headed back down. We stopped him.....We all talked and decided to see what would happen.

Another male friend of mine stopped by (about his income tax) and I was so glad to see him.
We visited for a while, and he left.

A short while later, we heard his door slam hard and then heard things hitting the wall. I ran next door again to see if they were hearing the same things and suddenly he hit on target and busted my window out in my living room, right behind where I usually sleep.

My whole body was shaking by then and we decided we had to call the police. I had too, but I could not do it. John called them for me.

It took them half an hour to get there and they never even knocked on his door. He was watching them through the window of his apartment and they knew he had done all of the damage from the broken glass and door of his place and the hallway.

Another call came over the policeman's radio for immediate assistance and he gave me a number to call and left.

All night his music blared and we were frightened. The next morning the landlord was at the door. She went to talk to Travis and he yelled and cursed at her also.

I felt so sorry for him...It is hard to explain but he was like a frightened animal attacking. He is on medication and has been off of it for a while now.

She gave him three days to get out.

I packed a bag and went to Linda's house with her. We were so exhausted. We settled in and were again trying to watch a movie when her drunk ex showed up. (No rest for the weary).

I made the remark that it had to be a full moon and I will be damned if it was not!!!

He is gone now. I feel terrible about the whole situation and I wish I had just had the money to give to him. I have fed him and he has fed me. I really thought we were friends and it hurts me inside so bad that I can not reach out to him any longer....out of fear for my safety.

I keep seeing him kick at Linda's head. It is like a neverending nightmare in my head. I keep seeing him over powering me as I was sitting on my couch. It has made me feel vulnerable and weak in a way that I have not felt in twenty years.

He called me Monday afternoon. I did not answer the phone. He left me a very nice message asking me to please forgive him, he said he was so sorry, and that he was moving and would not cause any more trouble.

I know that I must have peace on my homefront to feel safe, but underneath it all, I will miss the person I know as Travis.

Sam