Friendly Fire

[anirbas]

Sleep fiercely evades me
I doze in stops and starts
to the sound of John Wayne's voice
giving an interview from a time long past
to a journalist in the United Kingdom

John, chain smoking cigarettes,
coughing politely into his hand
answering questions
in typical John Wayne fashion

While sleep fiercely evades me
my joints-embers, charcoal and glass shards

I have become both antagonist and protagonist
I am my own hero and anti-hero
This body a war zone
A battleground
of friendly fire

Prednisone
and can do attitude
my sword and shield
in this first salvo

Sleep fiercely evades me
I doze in stops and starts
to the sound of John Wayne's voice
giving an interview from a time long past
to a journalist in the United Kingdom

Fitting, I should be listening
to the embodiment of true grit
as I climb into the saddle
and head into battle
with myself...

[heartfelt7]

There is nothing funny about being sick (and it sounds like you really had a bad case), but this made me smile. You know me with my three-part "symbolism" (body, mind, and spirit). It sounds like you have been losing sleep because of the body, and I have been losing sleep because of the mind (thoughts/thoughts/thoughts). So many that I can't even write because I think about it too much!!! Oh well. Sounds like we both need rest. Rest for the body and rest for the mind. Hope you start feeling better.

[anirbas]

Wow. I was beginnning to think this piece had either totally bombed or scared folks off. I could see it was being viewed but, no one until you, Fierce Dora, commented. lol I kept thinking, it's just a poem...A poem, about a part of life for some people...

I am sick. No, I have been sick for a few years, but, fighting all the signs, or symbols as the case may be, pointing to something being off kelter. I have recently, been tentatively diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis by my family doctor. He has started me on prednisone, short term, to deal with the pain and inflammation. RA, is an auto-immune issue, whereby the body attacks its own joints...Friendly fire...lol...

I've been pretty run down the past several months. Fatigued by the aching in my shoulders, hips, knees, feet and hands. About a month ago, not only aching, but, feeling like the joints are on fire while I am trying to sleep. My doctor thinks the sciatic event I had back in the summer was related to this issue.

Anyway, he has put me on an intense, but short course of prednisone for twenty days. I am also to be scheduled to see a rheumatologist for further and future treatments.

Until I started taking the prednisone, I was taking up to five aleve a day to deal with the pain.

He asked why I hadn't seen a doctor sooner about this and I told him, I thought I was just being a pansy. I thought I was just getting old. He laughed and said that's osteoarthiritis and I'm to young for that. But, that anyone of any age, can have RA, because it's an auto-immune issue.

I feel better just knowing there's a reason for the fatigue and aches, pain and swelling. Knowledge is empowerment. I feel better physically already taking the prednisone. But, the predisone makes me feel spacey and detached...lol...

Doc says, we've caught on to it, fairly early. That whatever the specialist recommends may revert some of swelling issues, etc...in my joints. Everything feels better except for that one nagging shoulder I'd like to hack off and throw into the fire...gigglegiggle...

And I still can't sleep worth diddle right now, because the prednisone gives you insomnia! Spaced out during the day and insomniacal through the night...Only me...

Thank you for feel better sentiments. I need them. I must get past this so I can keep on keeping on.

[aims]

Wow, Sabrina, sending thoughts of comfort and healing your way! that's a rough one and you are lucky they caught it early on a friends mother had it, was a tough one for her. as for the piece I think you hit the proverbial head on the nail, brought back sleepless sick nights to my recollection.

[anirbas]

Thanks, Amy, for thoughts of comfort and healing! I have been tired, alot this past year. Makes sense now. I've been fighting myself, no wonder I'm tired! lol I return to the doctor today to review blood tests. Woohoo! The prednisone is making me puffy like the Michelin Man, but, the joint issues are far better as a result of taking it. Plus, the course ends in nine more days. After today, on to the rheumatologist and whatever spells and potions he recommends. lol

[anirbas]

~Bring It On, To Coin a Phrase...

I dare you.
No, I double-dog
dare you. Bring it on!

So, this body is a battlefield?
Thanks, Life. Still trying to figure
out what I did that earned me this curve ball...
As the lead in music for 'Serenity' goes,
"You can't take the sky from me..."

I've given it some thought...
Just a bit, here and there...
And this is what I've decided...
I don't care...I just don't care...
I could go so far as to say,
I just don't give a flying f*ck,
but, ladies don't cluck like that...
We, just say cluck, cluck, cluck...

Bring it on, Life!
I've got this bitch of a card played.
I can play the dual roles of both antagonist
and protagonist, both enemy and hero.

Let's do this. It's not like it's the first time,
I ever "danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight."

So, to coin a phrase...
"Bring it on." I dare you...
I double-dog dare you...
Let's do this...

[moseley]

fire dogs of hell yes! well played.

[anirbas]

I dared Life to bring it on and it did, sum bitch. Met my new rheumatologist last Monday and she believes I have Pscoriatic arthritis. It's basically treated the same as RA, but, fifty percent of those diagnosed with it, do end up disabled. Well, if I end up at home on disablity, I've decided I am not going to whinge about it...(to much lol)...If I don't have to work, that will give me time to type up the next Great American Novel! lol And thanks for the read, Mose.

[anirbas]

~I Will It to Be So.

This...This pain...
Though I may whinge
and occasionally cringe...
...This...This pain...

This pain...This pain...
I got this...
Where there's a will
there's a way
and all that rot...

There's naproxen
and prednisone and ranitidine
to shield the stomach
against the ravages
of the medicine
that heals...

And somewhere
down the line,
biologicals!
Perhaps,
even chemo!
Oh, me!
Oh, my!

This...This pain...
This mother fucking pain...
I got this...I got this...

I've stood
at the graves of my children,
both dead by chance and buried alive
in the system...No man
ever gave me these twin
cracks fissuring my heart...
Losing my children did...

This...This...This pain...
I've got this shit...

Cause, this pain...
This pain is physical,
not spiritual...I got this shit.

Bring it on, Lord Nemesis, my mirror self...
For, I am a battle ground of friendly fire...

This, shall end, the way it always
does when I fight my only equal, myself...
This shall end in a Mexican Stand-Off...
Or, a stalmate, per se...

I will it to be so.

[anirbas]

~Refusing to Expect the Worst...

I think she's back...
She of the coppery personality...
Fiery and snappy...
She's still a bit fluffy...
And a tad gimpy...

But, by golly, by Jove...
She's got pep in her limping step...
And she can raise her right arm over her head, again!
Why, just the other day, she shuffled and wiggled
in childish delight, to 'Unwell', by Matchbox Twenty,
as it's always, been her theme song,
since it first hit the airwaves...

Plus, best of all, she can pop a squat
right down to the floor...
Okay, getting back up,
she's has to push off
that very same floor
with her right hand...
But, she's not been able to pop
a squat for a blithering year!
Since the summer of 2012.
June, to be exact...

Yes, I think she's back. She with the rusty sword
in her hand, with the copper colored personality...
So, what if she's a bit fluffy and a tad gimpy...
She's better than she was three months, ago...
A year, ago...Three years, ago...

Ironic, it took being diagnosed with a disease
to bring her back to herself, back from long corridors
of pain without entrances or exits,
for her to be able to work,
if not wholly without pain,
with a modicum of it, instead...

Now, if she could only write poetry
instead of doggeral, again...
Then, then the Mighty Universe
would be a righted once more...

But, perhaps, that's expecting
lightning to strike twice
in the same spot...

You might ask,
how do I know
this, and so many
other things about her?

She is me...
Exploring the same old world
with new eyes, these days...
Hoping for the best
and refusing
to expect
the worst...

[phantasm]

That's great news, Sabrina! Like they say on Galaxy Quest, never give up, never surrender!

[anirbas]

That is the game plan...But, it is, what it is...haha

[firestarfairy]

Sabrina... you have a way with words that I only wish I had.

[phantasm]

Any news lately, by any chance, nir?

[anirbas]

Thank you so much, Miz Firestar!!! Nice to see you hanging out in the "lounge" by the way!!!

News, of a sort, Phantasm, thank you for asking. I feel like I'm holding my own, but, don't know yet, if this methotrexate is actually working yet, or not. The dosage is upped to eight, per treatment once a week, now. And if I thought I felt like a space cadet on four and then six, eight is...is...hmmmm...eight literally zombiefies me...lol...And I'm really fuzzy from the treatment for about four days. Not in a bad way. It's an interesting experiment. But, I must wean myself off the prednisone in order for my doctor to tell if the DMARD is working or not...?

It's all good. All I know, is it's real good to feel like a human again. The past five years, then four, then three, then two, then one, I've just slowing rusted up...The last year, has been gnarly with pain and it's so good to be mostly ahead of that now. Woohoo!

[pegesus]

so art has been busy again.....i've been battling it now for about 7 or 8 years. osteoarthritis ( degenrative arthritis) is painfiull and miserable amd i do sincerely understand and sympathize. if you havent done so, do so now....file for disability. it takes about a year to complete but when its finally through it helps to take the worry about how you will finacially make itl....i was without water for almost six months befor it was finally approved and i started getting paid, but it was worth the wait....now i can pay the bills and just spend the days dealing with the pain. look at it this way, you always know when a storm comes in befor the weathermen do...but damn it hurts to know in advance. most of the time now i try to deal with meds that dont tear my guts up, when they do i stop taking therm for awhile to give my stomach a rest them im back on the pain pills ----just remember m'lady----we are the tough ones and can deal with it....when you live with it day in and day out you have to....so stand tall and know you are not alone.....

the words will return...if only in our heads
on the good days they will become written
words of strength and fight...the world be damned
we will never give in to this curse....stand strong
let it know who is the strongest.....who will fight
and on the days when the pain wins out...pull in

till we can fight another day...show the world who we are
what we are made of

my piece is said...my mind is strong....even if my body is in pain
i chose not to give in and i figt this demon who wishes to take over
i dont want you here....i dont want you to hurt like me....i wish i had
the power to make you whole once more...but we still have our words

we still have our imaginations and the play upon the words....that will help
stay strong.....stay migjty....if only for yoursef
I love you m'lady nir....conquor the world for us....we need our champion back

pegesus

[anirbas]

Mary! Mary! Miz Mary Etta!!!!!! (sound of a chick doing the happy dance!) How great and good to see you here! Hate to hear you suffer from osteo art. That's a son of a beast, too.

This, this isn't that kind of art, though...That, is natural as we age, to develop osteo art, even for those of us, in prime, physical condition. This, son of a beast, is an auto-immune disease, a three year old, or a twenty-five year old, or a forty year old (the age I was when I started having issue, but, thought it was osteo art and I was just getting "old"...self-diagnosis isn't smart haha)

Anyway, I found out the other day, the methotrexate I am taking is actually a chemo treatment...I am already on chemo and didn't realize it...How funny is that??

Just took my eight pills about an hour ago, like a good girl...And a Xantac...Chemo is a weird experience...I do not really suffer nausea, but, I do feel drunk as hell, after about an hour, or two and then I feel drunker...And drunker...And drunker...Weave when I walk and bounce off walls...Oh, wait, I already do that...haha...

My family doc asked me back in February, why I waited so long to check into this...? I told him, I thought I was just getting old and told myself to ovary up and do what I had to do...Like work and pay bills...lol...He replied, he just loved patients that self diagnosed themselves...

Also, found out the other day, I have a cataract forming behind my right eye...Also a symtom of pscoriatic arthritis...It also attacks the eyes...I had already learned it can also attack the lungs, but, mine are in peek condition even though I still smoke ciggies off and on...Yuk. Need to quit that shit...lol...In two or three years, the eye will require surgery, but, that's cool.

I'm not ready to file for disability. I plan to work until I can't, but, I plan on being the other fifty percent that isn't disabled...I do not plan to be disabled...Fuck that shit...To young for that...I'm only fifty-one. Others need that more than me, now that I'm recovering thanks to all these wonder drugs even if the prednisone is making me fluffy as a marshmallow.

I did, however, stop decorating cakes for a living about five weeks, ago. Don't miss it one bit as I thought I might. The trick with this pscoriatic art, is to keep moving without doing anything that will harm me. My body feels better moving alot rather than standing in one spot...Besides, the main damage, at this point, is in my right hand and right foot...I can still walk fast, but, I also hobble alot when the foot gets pissed at me...lol...Which is at least, half of my day...Traitor...

Anyway, I'm not dying...That's a plus...I was negative for Lupus...That's a plus...And, the best thing for me, was to get out of the department I was in...It was a mess and I was in to much pain to keep dealing with all the drama...Plus, cake decorating was the only reason, I stayed in it...If I couldn't decorate anymore, and I couldn't...My hand started "clawing up" before and after the diagnosis...Can't form roses, daisies, iris or leaves with a claw...Roflmao...

But, being in the bakery, also meant I had wet shoes, socks, feet and pants up to my knees almost every night from mopping the floor and hosing out four gargantuan fifty gallon and more "compost" cans. I was in and out of the freezer, constantly, which made me hurt more...As I stiffened up more and more, I could no longer throw forty and fifty pound boxes of frozen dough and other freight, which made my co-workers pissy...More drama...Long story short, PA was good for me, it finally forced me out of the bakery...I was only there to decorate...If I couldn't do that, no need to put up with all the shit just to make a paycheck...

Jeepers, Mary. Look what you did to me...Got me yakking and digressing all over the place...This methotrexate doesn't help...It makes me yakky the first couple of hours...And then, it makes me drunk as a rabid skunk...hehehe...

Don't be such a stranger, mon ami.

[moseley]

now, Nir, raise your right arm and repeat after me.....sorry, I am all out of Holy Books...perhaps Holy Crap, and I have yet to see Holy Crap, now, I would pay decent, not good I don't have that kinda money, but decent money for one piece of Vatican certified Holy Crap...who knows, I would make a rectory or something for it...then, didn't Holy Crap come from a rectory, what was the question? Yes, I will have a nice fluffy waffle, with lots of butter and maple syrup...mmmmm mmmm, OH YES, you can raise your right arm again! Where is Ernest Angsley when you need him? We all could start a good gospel medicine show and have some "healing"...but then, well, that ain't necessary...drats, ruin my fantasies(where are those waffles!)oh reality, thy name is overcoming and Nir, somehow, you have overcome, a good list(not a great list, face it you ain't no Helen Keller, just yet)but I will still scream "WATER!! WATER" with poor intonation as an homage!!!

[anirbas]

Roflmao so hard, Jam. I so needed that belly laugh!!!!!! Even though I laugh alot these days. Like the last four months...Holy Moses, Moseley, I can't stop laughing. I is well awarah I ain't no Helen Keller, Mistah Moseley, suh. Frack. I spoke to soon, when I was in here, last night though. Those magical eight lil' wafers I downed last night, made me nauseous as hell, today. Still feeling delicate. Yuk. But, I can pop a squat, again...Not been able to that since May 2012....And I can raise my right are, again...Which, I stopped being able to do, about five months ago...So, I got this one day of nausea...Better be all it is...lol Or I'm going to start complaining about the service at my rheumatologist office...hehe

[moseley]

Sometimes we treat children so delicately, but they are growing. They are healthy. They HEAL FAST. Then, we give adults as we age the hard line, grin and bear it. Perhaps we should be harsh to children and then as we get older, be kinder to the aging...as it would make more sense than the way we, as humans, seem to do things in some "societal" way. Wouldn't it be something if we could postphone that FAST HEALING when we are young to a much later time, like, when we really fucking need it! If the force in the universe that makes life is actually and really the God everyone says and thinks he is, I think then he too got it wrong...and should God be a woman or a she, well, she ain't never going to own up to it is she? But something is out of order with the way life goes and it is for these things like this when all the stresses of life do take a toll on us...everyone should be kinder to you Nir and eveyone aging, because these things are really hard to comfort and sooth, because they do not easily or even ever go away...and sure we "DO LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT"...but yeah, that just sucks! I borrowed five dollars I owe someone for that two cents...

[anirbas]

Roflmao! And loving every reading minute of it, Jams!!!!!!! hehe I don' wan' no pity, from "society". Frack 'em. I got my lil' fren', Pa. The dick is an honest buddy. He's brought me back to reality, the son of the beast. I thought, I was getting old, John. So, I just kept going...Drudge...Trudge...Drudge...Trudge...In my honeymoon years, I've been broken, no less. Poor David. lol Lord Lugnut still got the best thing ever! lol Had to toot my own horn! Nobody else will, eh, mon ami? Digression in full egression and progression, yesssss? lol Anyway, a three year, can have PA...I could have been in much less pain the last five years, IF I hadn't kept self-diagnosing and telling myself, "Get outta the fracking bed and go to work, B*tch! Baby girl needs a new pair of dancing shoes...Tights...School supplies...Clothes...Money for every high school fee in the world!!!! A dance t-shirt for this...For that....A dance t-shirt because the drill team ate together at Chili's...gigglegiggle...Getting a bit dramatic there....Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad, Ivy and I are out of the public school system and have all that behind us. Wow, John, now that's she moved out, she's Mom's friend, again...lol...But, no, don' need no "scociatal" stinkin' pity...I got this auto-immune shit. I'm the female John Wayne, Gods Frack It! (Been watching to much Battlestar Galactica...lol...Finally watched 'em all. Still can't get it outta my head! )

[anirbas]

~Live and Let Live

Step aside, make a hole, make it wide
I'm a warrior and I'm coming through

No, I haven't the time to battle with you
I'm already in hand to hand combat
with the only opponent worthy
of me grappling with, myself.

So hold your debate.
Hold you breath, if you have to.
I'm not hearing what you've got to say.
It's all negative banter, anyway.

I'm into healing and being healed...

Step aside, make a hole, make it wide...
This warrior is coming through and passing on.

I told you, I ain't got time to carry on.
I've only got time to live and let live.

[anirbas]

Um...About to learn how to give myself my own injection, once weekly.
This should be an interesting experiment...Roflmao

[anirbas]

~For the Moment

Against one another we square off
halves of the same coin
flipping through the air

She meets me with a steely glare
an arsenal of all pain no gain
designed to stake the dance in my soul

Pin it to a wall to flutter, gasp and die
I do not know why she chose me as her opponent
I only know that she did and it is what it is

So, I meet her roars, fangs and claws a ripping
with these paltry potions designed to soothe
this savage beast that lives within me

I call it, throwing the bitch a bone
Start the day, flipping her nambuetone
and flexeril, swallowed down with my morning meal

Toss her a Cymbalta on my first break downed
with healthy greek yogurt, fruit and honey
Finish the day with a round of the first two

Enbrel once a week battery acid cocktail
And when all else fails and I'm on the ground
right where she wants me to be...

I finally give in throw the bitch
her favorite bone-Prednisone!
Then, she stands down.

For the moment...