Vigil

[anirbas]

Her life intertwined with ours
had left us all war ravaged
weary hyper vigilant adults-

sentinels.

Down to the bone numb with grief
we four stood at the bed corners holding
her bruised hands and feet with love-

cautiously.

Silent siblings for too long
we looked at one another
the first time in years-

conversant.

Together in the same space
without engaging in the wars
her life intertwined with ours-

created.

Complicated and complex
she was first and foremost human
and after that our mother-

family.

[anirbas]

~yesterday's reality

trapped in the confines
of my head my thoughts
do flap noisily chaotic
crows that scatter
to re-flock to scatter
to re-flock over and over


in cahoots our ancient history
and the near distant past
mumble and mutter together
from the corners of my reality
blown mind how did this happen?
how did this come to be now?

yesterday you were vibrant here
and there and there as well
I remember it all everything
every horrendous childhood hour
of hell odd, with you gone I can
remember the good times, too

I desperately want to tell you
what you always needed to hear
from me none of it matters anymore
nothing none of it matters anymore
I want to I need to
I cannot you are gone

trapped in the confines
of my head my thoughts
do flap noisily chaotic
crows that scatter
to re-flock to scatter
to re-flock over and over

[aims]

sorry for your loss!!

[anirbas]

Thank you, beloved friend.

[anirbas]

I am shocked I am so shaken, Amy. My mother and I had a complicated relationship at best. Once I grew up and no longer saw her or my father with the eyes of child. Nothing is ever the same once you realize both of your parents were abusive, neurotic, basically party animal alcoholics when my sibs and I were children. I hadn't spoken to my mother in three years. My baby sister hadn't spoken to her in almost nine years. None the less, that did not lessen our love or confusion at her unexpected death. I actually thought I would die before her. Believed it after I was diagnosed with PsA. Mom would have been seventy-five this month.

[aims]

I know what you mean
family is complicated
I am in frequent contact with my folks in fact they live in assisted living near the nursing home I work @ and I love them but we are not friends we are family, my mom and I have never seen eye to eye and let's put it this way if I were trapped on a desert island and i had a problem and only her to confide in I'd keep it to myself. But still they are our parents and . . .I want to give you a hug but this will have to do:
(((((Sabrina)))))

[anirbas]

Thank goodness!!! Then I'm not losing my mind. And I do find it weird, for thirty-nine years since I ran away from home, I've not been able to remember anything good about her. I did have good memories from childhood but they involved other people, not parents. Good times I had with siblings, cousins, friends and other family members, like my sainted grandmother Lano. Then, Mom dies and I am inundated with memories I couldn't remember for all these years while I was bitter, I guess. Smh. Glad someone understands. Thanks for the hug, chick. And here's one back atcha. (((((Amy)))))