The Magical Golden Unicorn

[phantasm]

Yes, I would like to buy a unicorn.

But not just any unicorn.

Its horn needs to be ivory and such-and-such a length.

And... I don't want a white unicorn,

I mean, well, I do, but I also want something more,

Kinda golden-colored, see.

White gold. Isn't that a thing? Yeah, I want that.

A unicorn with blue eyes, yeah, that sounds like a good idea too!

Also, it needs to be tall. Like a horse you would bet on at the races.

Also, it needs to be fast. Let's say, ten times as fast as Husein Bolt, no, better make that 20 times as fast.

Yeah.

Also, it needs to have been fed a steady diet of alfalfa, walnuts, kale, and blackberries. From infancy to adulthood. Yeah.

It needs to be a youthful looking magical golden unicorn. No old hags, please.

Also, its skin has to be pure as--

<< indistinct murmuring on the other end of the phone line>>

Huh? What do you mean, normal unicorns are rare? Well, I don't care.

I want a youthful, athletic, well-fed, magical white/gold unicorn.

Look, I'll pay you top dollar for a unicorn made to order. Money is no object.

I don't want to hear excuses, not now, not ever. My needs are highly specific. Yes. I won't settle for anything less.

<<more indistinct murmuring on the other end of the line... the other guy sounds kinda peeved, too>>

Come on, man, don't be a dick. What can you do for me here? Need I remind you how deep my pockets are?

<<the guy on the other end says, "Please Hold...">>

Yes, I'll hold, thanks.

14 hours later................

Hello? Yes? Yes, I'm still here. I've been on hold the whole time. Thanks for getting back to me.

What's that? You say a golden magical unicorn just hatched from an egg this morning? That's great!

I want it! So it's fully grown adult now, I take it? WHAT? What do you mean, 'no?' What? It won't be an adult for 1000 years?

Damn it. I need an adult magical unicorn. I need it yesterday. Sigh. All right. Have it your way.

I'll buy the infant magical white/gold unicorn. Yes, yes, yes, I'll take it as is. Even though it doesn't measure up to all my criteria.

Yeah, here's my billing information and the address I'd like it delivered to.

A week later..............

Hey, mom, dad, all my friends, all my Facebook friends--

I have a big surprise for you guys! I'm going to have a barbecue at my place next weekend.

Everybody's invited. You can even bring a friend or a date.

What's on the menu, you ask? White/gold magical unicorn. I've been feeding it walnuts and alfalfa and stuff like that for the last few days.

Oh this is going to taste sooooo good. The meal is going to be amazing. This is going to be the best barbecue ever, man!

[anirbas]

I did not see the twist coming, right up until I did. Excellent!

[phantasm]

I wrote that during the height of my last job search.

All the job ads I've ever seen in my life demand stuff like, "A bachelor's degree with 5 yrs experience." A lot of job ads have obscene 'requirements.' I was kinda-sorta venting/spoofing the supposed jobs market.

Then what do we do? We proverbially roast the person during an interview process in which you have to 'do everything right.' Answer a lot of questions, some of them idiotic questions. Oh, and you still have to come across as affable and likeable and a normal human being, even with the supposed extraordinary stuff you wrote down in your resume. Oh, but there's no cultural consensus on what your resume ought to look like or what information to include. Then, we have a probationary period for the supposed new hire. Usually either 30 days or 90 days.

And my personality is configured in a certain way, between my natural personality and the shit that was shoveled onto me by my parents. I never developed the skills necessary to 'sell myself to an employer,' no one ever taught them to me. As a guy with a brother 7 yrs older and a sister 10 yrs older, I never had to compete with anyone for anything in my childhood. I got an excessive amount of attention from my mother and mostly minimal attention from my father, though there were a handful of exceptions to getting my dad's attention. And what attention was available in my childhood home came in some 5-10 dysfunctional flavors.

And every job tries to set itself up as, "We're a competitive culture. We're competing against our business rivals. We're also competing against our co-workers." So-- Once I get a job, I usually can hang on to it for a bare minimum of several months, if not longer. The last job I had, at Office Max, I hung in there for 10 years. Now, at my new job at a grocer called Aldi, I've been there for approximately 5ish months, going on 6. And I'm doing just fine in the new job, thank you very much. But getting a job is pure, utter murder for me. Even for entry level jobs, the screening everyone has to go through is obscene. My au natural personality is the polar opposite of what around at least half of all Americans are. Basically, I belong to a small group, a minority in extremis. An unacknowledged minority.

Thus, the "Magical Golden Unicorn." The perfect candidate, the perfect worker. Which we then extract the absolute maximum labor out of for a minimal paycheck. Nobody gets paid what they're worth. Not cashiers, or elementary teachers, or cops, or the writers on TV shows, or software engineers designing games. Certainly not the people in China who assemble our nifty little gadgets. The people who say the well-paid provide something of value in the economy are deceiving themselves.

I've survived economically due to the quixotic situation of my personal life. Also, I'm a single man and live alone, so my expenses are minimal. Except for when I want to buy a clutch of books or a bunch of courses from The Great Courses. Ha ha! [laughing like Pee Wee Herman.]

Okay, this thing is already getting longer than I intended. You get the picture........

[anirbas]

(Sitting down to the desktop, Leyenda by Albeniz as played by the Andres Segovia seeping from the music speakers)

Hi ya, Phantasm. I quite enjoyed reading the above paragraphs. A lot of what you described is universal in this day and age of job searching. I procured my current job in 2007. I would not relish having to look for a job in 2020. I hope to take this job straight to retirement or my body failing me, whichever comes first. Haha. Hopefully, retirement in 2030.

However, not knowing the premise, under which you, the writer, wrote the piece, I initially saw it as a piece mocking consumerism and the need to own things. And sometimes expensive things at that. Or killing rare animals for prized trophies; or a one time dinner party.

Aldi is a great company, from what I've heard. I've got a good friend that manages one. I'm still with the Evil Empire. But, it pays my bills and has for over twelve years now. Put my daughter through junior high and high school until she graduated and moved out on her own. Retail is so not my forte'. At heart, I'm a half-assed anarchist and I hate all shopping, so, it's a weird fit. But, I survive. And so does the Evil Empire. There's that. Hehe. Had to start over somewhere after I left my daughter's father and my poetry wasn't capable of paying the bills. Haha.

"a minority in extremis. An unacknowledged minority." I am so feeling this couplet. A minority in extremis. An unacknowledged minority. Right on, man. Right on. I believe that could be a condition of being a deep thinker, especially a creative deep thinker. Musicians, dancers, painters, and poets/writers, even actors-most of us, are hyper observant. Especially poets. We don't really fit anywhere. And so, we permeate everywhere. Hahaha. Or some caca. (cackling like Divine)

No one in this post Reagan society is paid what they are worth, sadly. I could chew that fat on that one for a while. But, I'm going to meander around the site a bit and head on off to the Land of Nodz and Snorz, after that. Enjoyed our visit, Phantasm!

[phantasm]

>>However, not knowing the premise, under which you, the writer, wrote the piece, I initially saw it as a piece mocking consumerism and the need to own things. And sometimes expensive things at that. Or killing rare animals for prized trophies; or a one time dinner party.




Oh hell, it could be taken as any of those things too. That's the beauty of non-literal thinking.

[anirbas]

YES! Exactly!

(I logged out and realized mi compadre was in here, so scurried back in to say BOO at you!

I had also meant to add last night, that this is the beauty of poetry. It is like a painting with words. And each viewer sees different things, depending on where they are standing, or the angle they are viewing it from, i.e., their perspective.

But, I was gearing down and forgot to say it before I passed out.

And now, my other David is here with the grocery list telling me it is time to do our shopping. Ugh. It's my day off! I don't wanna go shopping. But, I am the family driver, so off I go. He doesn't drive and that is probably a very good thing. I tell people all of the time when they ask why he doesn't drive. "Let me put it like this. If you ever see David behind the wheel of a car on the road. Pull you car over and park it till he passes. It is the safest thing you can do." LmBo.

Have an excellent day, Phant. Gotta run.